Learning english

 Most of the middle class Indian families very conspicuously think that everyone attending an English medium school can speak very good English.In fact this is such a big myth that contributes these families to sent their children into english medium at every possible cost.But the reality is far away from these notions.A normal english medium school goer could may be understand the most spoken word or even read a bit and of course do grammer exercise but to expect him to speak fluently is a bit too much.The student who speak English are the ones with the homes where english is spoken by parents.
  I was the one schooled from a small town where most students were from villages and can't even speak Hindi properly.My family was totally Hindi educated and it was my mother's unfulfilled dream of speaking English that in was supposed to fulfill.I thought i could speak whenever i want to but in reality my only spoken English words from a written book or may be written by me.I noticed this defect when i got aquainted with my now Boyfriend who could really good english back in 11th standard.He belonged to a well to do DU educated parents and boasted of even English speaking grand parents.No wonder I was impressed.It was he who prompted me to learn the language.
    During our dates he coerced me to speak every word in English and refuse to listen to me when i gradually shifted to my mother tongue.I was tongue tied most of the times,groping for words that didn't strike,fumbling over verbs and sentence constructions.He patiently corrected my grammatical mistakes and suggested more appropriate words.He told me what the words like "shit","stand at ease","partiality" etc etc actually meant.I was actually using them without knowing their meanings at all.He corrected my too obvious pronunciation mistake.Soon i wanted to be in his league.He suggested to read the english novels ALOUD and word by word and yes in desire to impress him i followed this religiously and i still practice it sometimes.That how you know how a words roll from your mouth,sound to your ears and most important what does it mean and where it can be used.Their are so many words whose meaning you just assume and never remember them or have confidence to speak in your sentence.Sometimes i picked dictionary 25 times in a page but carried on even i have to pick it for the same word thrice.I awkwardly improved my verbal skills.
    But soon i discovered by spoken english does not contain new trendy kind of catchy words.Then i started reading interviews regularly.I practised my accent in a make believe interviews.I even learnt catchy phrases from magazines like stardust and filmfare.
  Three years later into it and was not able to understand english movies and songs.Zee studio came to my rescue.It started sub title-ing.So i got to learn difference between American and British accent too.And how they speak it.Well now when i can understand English song too i feel kind of proud.It only partially my dream.I just desperately wanted to impress Him.
 Nowadays i am still working on it's lesser known words their origin setc and etc.Even getting to know the feeling behind the words and minor subtle mistakes we do. It had been a long journey and i must say i ve come a really long way.Though i am still working on it and still feel inadequate.Everything in life is a constant decision.Whether it's relationship,learning or just living.You just don't have to be too comfortable with one self.That is precisely when you stop growing.

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Our teenage days...

  I just got a chance to see my 10th class slambook.It reminded me of those times when describing ambition was best topic to speak and 10 th boards were EXTREMeLY important.And future was all misty and mystic.We use to paint our future with lovely colours and even when adults warned that real world is different we still choosed to dive into our imaginations rather than paying heed to them.Everyone used to think we are different and acted and dreamed the same way.We were going to change the world and live life in a different way altogether.Promised were made to stay together,keep in touch and sacrifice everything for friendship.And most important Never Ever ever forget each other.Loads of reasons can be given for all those unfulfilled promises.I too hardly recall anyone names.. forget remembering incidences.That how life progresses.One thing goes and other shows up and you get too involved in new one to catch up with the later.Then one fine day you find yourself yearning for the "golden old times" and school time buddies.

    Back then LOVE was the only 4 letter word that kept everyone occupied, tarnishing each group or double discussion.It was kind of taboo, an enigma or as our elders used to describe"rush of hormones".But at that time all emotions used to feel so real,so novel-ish,so film-ish that we dismissed the notions of our elders.

  Now it all seems to be so stupid foolish to think but ya nostaligic.Everyone went to their own way.Hardly anyone kept in touch.Not with me atleast.

  I just got to see two of my friends with whom i shared tutions.We 3 rode our bicycles all over the Bijnore town.Dreamed about life beyond those gali -mohollas.The girl is in merchant navy now carrying a long distance relationship with a guy from 3 years and the guy is in Agra with a girl friend of 3 years who actually almost live in with him.Going to marry her next year.As they candidly told me details of their life I thank God i am not the only one.I wondered how similar is life of my old buddies to mine more than anybody around me.Was this just a co incidence.. some connection or result of our dreams which we desperately fulfilled i don't know.

  Sometimes you really can't understand life.It is like a geisha who'll show you something ..tease you to unravel it's mysteries ..never let you too close and leave you unsatisfied.The more you live more see..more you think and more you want to decode it...

My kitchen in hostel...

 For the whole three years i kept on looking for reasons not to estabilish a kitchen in my own room.Reason's were my not being on the same wavelenths with my room partners.I waited that some day i'll get o the ideal one.But in final year it was now or never condition.So i didn't wasted time and got myself the things.my kitchen boasts of:

1. A heater(it's a must).
2. a frying pan for maggi and boiling water.
3. One cup and 3 spoon,2 stolen from mess.
4. One tata coffee.
5. One darjeeling long leaves black tea.(My boyfriend's classy choice,"Better and healthy than ordinary tea"he says.It costs a fortune but worth it...I think..)
6. One tin of milkmaid condensed milk.(Once again on HIS insistence.But it's tasty and almost acts up like a true milk better than milk powder i say.Sorry SIR!)
7. Tiffin of sugar(i didn't got a Dibba).
8. A kissan mixed fruit jam
9. A paper cartoon in which most things are kept and it stay's right under my bed.Can be slid out to pick anything and slid back.
10. A catch masala's black pepper.I am still struggling to find it's use.   

                                    My heater regularly breakdown when it's coil melts and circuit is disturbed.But my skills to repair it are enviable.Yes ..yes i'll teach you for a fee.Did i mention once i even got it on fire by placing a newspaper underneath it.I hope this is quit forgivable..


I just love my cup.It's my first and got it dirt cheap from reliance for rs30.I really mad about the way it looks.

This is not table cloth but a curtain i doubled up.Looks nice na....

This is my  brand new but worn out heater with a almost historic pan i convinced my mom to donate. 

This is my kitchen quite small but portable and cute.

I am proud of it.
























Well that's all.You can ask for tips to maintain your own portable kitchen Ans yes i know i am being quite obnoxious but you see i ve been doing serious stuff for a while and needed a break to show off my first kitchen and first mug.Say thanks to me that i am not writing about my first coffee,first tea and first maggi.Yes Thank you..thank you now that's too much.Ya mention not..


Bye.. have fun..

Big egoes..

Right from my childhood i was gives storybooks in Hindi with a moral lesson.They always had messages such as, don't speak lie,show presence of mind,etc et.One of the most recurring message was "Do not not let ego (ahainkaar) creep into you.In all these stories ego was considered as biggest mistake even after being well learned.rich or anything.Acc to to that text as soon as a person started breeding an ego for his achievements,his end was inevitable thought few were left with message and warning.I was really amazed at the thoughtfulness shown by then "Gods" and the steps they took to correct the individuals.
   Back then i my mother told that ego is all about "me".When a person starts thinking that He is great he starts having an ego.I used to kind what kind of foolish person can even think of such thing and laugh over it.And if i tell you that we encounter ego so much in our lives too, you will laugh over it.Now let me explain.Look over following examples.

• The person serious in studies will at some point or the other ignore who doesn't studies so much,Reason:He think's he's BETTER if not down right great because he studies sincerely.
• Any bueatiful or well dressed girl in normal circumstances will not try to converse with normal human beings.And even if she does so she'll make every attempt to overpower them.Call it that she is addicted of attention but i will say the coz she enjoys more attention and she knows it that's why she's self concious.
• The one with higher cast or even non reservation one will despise an OBC,An OBC will further despice a SC or ST candidate.Despite.. of everyone knowing that it's govt of person birth place is responsible for this inequality and not any OBC or SC or ST.
• The one with brands will call other's clothes cheap and picked up from""palika bazar"
• My room partner is egoist coz she thinks that she keeps room clean and tidy and despises me for the not being that.
• A vegetarian will dislike the non-veg one.
• Slim people will hate fat one for letting themselves go and fat one will hate slim ones for being too persnickety. 

If you look at these day to day experiences you realize how much desperately we convince ourselves that we ARE better than the other one at our own decided criteria.We actually leave no miniscule insignificant and even non existent reason to rip other person in our eyes.
 Well that's how we judge ourselves and others.Read:http://myworld-mylife-myeyes.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-judge-others.html.
  Just a glimpse or consciousness of your own thoughts will show you the mirror of your ego.To be a better individual we have to prick this out of us.This will make this world a much better place.So let's take pledge to be more honest with ourselves and more modest. 

Big marriage party and more..

I recently got to attend a big usual Indian wedding in Delhi.With the usual stuff of showing off with lots of waiters,lots of unnecessary variety in dishes,heavy cutlery,mocktails etc and etc.To make it a more classy affair all aunties were dressed up in heavy sarees and loads of make up.Some were even beyond recognition.I really appreciated the difference make up makes on one looks but with a cost.Most people or ladies are not able to handle all this emotionally.They start to walk and talk with the attitude,hobnobbing anyone who is modestly dressed as if the person's value depends upon her way of dressing.They even don't want to seen with relatively poor relative no matter if he/she is close or not.They just group with made up ladies with more or less same standard.It was a big put off for me.

  According to me a wedding should be highly personal affair with celebration of mingling family with family and entwining of two lives rather than a showcase of jewelleries,sarees and services provided by bueaty parlors.The host family members should especially take care to introduce newly formed relation and make everyone feel comfortable despite of his/her looks or economic standing.To make people feel comfortable is the best quality of host but here they actually flock together chatting with such an air of self imposed vanity and importance that they succeed in making everyone feeling as outsider.And in this whole process they just forgot why other people are here for? And 

• NO! they are not to see your ostentatious,obnoxious display of wealth and 
• NO! they are not even here to know who is having an affair and who recently bought a ferrari and with black money and 
• NOT certainly to know how much your things cost.

 Sweethearts..They are actually here to give their blessings to bride and bridegroom for the new starting of their commitment and wedded life.But everyone is soooo involved in himself or herself that he forgets the REAL reason of gathering and function.

   Well i do have complains of the menfolks too.They are most of the time absent either checking out aunties or complaining about their wives or of course drinking.Drinking is sooo much important.No matter they are actually happy from the union or not or even they are good friends with the involved families or not,No one leaves the opportunity of free booze which acc to then is the "JAAN" of the party and party is incomplete without it.God knows how they smell,behave,bad mouth or even drive their families home.
 Next time please behave more sensibly and socially..

my faith on God...

I am always questioned about my faith on religion and on God whenever i refuse to accompany someone to go temple or refuse to take "prashad" or bow down before a carved stone.People so readily assume me to non believer but again get surprised with my occasional fasting or lighting diya or agarbatti.I have always been condemned for not keeping my pic of God in my room.Even my boyfriend wants to turn me into temple visiting believer.And i too tried to oblige to a certain extent.I confess that not too long ago i started the practise of visiting Shani temple each saturday and doing some rituals.It did felt better somehow but not the connection i wanted.The shop outside gave 100 ml mustard oil for Rs20 and cringed when i'd save up it for next time.He made faces when i asked for diya next time without purchasing anything.He even tried to sell my friend a small basket with flowers for Rs 50.Downright loot i say.Even inside the panditji clicked me and my pretty friends pics when we had pooja.He evn triend to touch us right inside the temple in front of "God".How come staying in front of God for soo many hour's,offering God things,lighting diya reciting prayers didn't changed his mind?
 Well my quiting reasons were not these.It's just my reasonable mind refuse to believe that God the supreme power could reside in small idols or photos.That the one who gave us everything to eat could be greedy for "Bhogs",The one who provided us everything right from clothes to house actually needed a space of his own to reside?The one who gave us prosperity could give us our wishes for greed of "chadawa".The maker of each small things likes somethings and dislike others.Why would he just create them then.Then they are soo many God s that i got really confused which on to follow.
  What i really think that all these God's were created like stories like mythology with lots of teachings,lessons for life and of course loads of creativity.And pandits at that time saw opportunity in each figure by turning it in worshippable , idolable and offerable gods.How else they ve kept their bellies well fed.I don't blame everyone there are few keeper of true knowledge but their voice grew weaker in lights of money.
  Well if i don't visit temples doesn't means that i don't believe in God.I have my faith on God who's the supreme power.Who makes this world goes around and my world too.I wake up everyday and say thanks to Him for giving me this lovely day.I consider him as a source of positive energy.I can't ask him anything cause he already knows what i want and what i deserve.If he gives me happiness i say thanks and if he gives me suffering he'll also give me power to bear up and i'll learn to live with them.
 Most of i feel is that people worship the idols we humans made to such an extent but not the idols which God made, humans and mistreat them to frequently.Service to humankind is the best form of appreciating His presence.




P.S.-Well from now please no questions about my faith..

My 2nd experience with diffferently abled person..

  I live in noida with my family living in greater noida.So i usually spend my weekends at home commuting by special yellow buses.These buses are specially for noida-greater noida route and very well maintained.They have 3 rows of two seater each reserved for women.Call it fair or unfair but i ve hardly seen any girl not utilizing this special right.Some of them even misbehave with men occupants to get their seat.
  So i boarded this yellow bus at sec37 to sector 62.It is almost 20 min ride.I as usual took the women seat and a guy was sitting next to me.Then i noticed this pretty girl of 20 to 25 years who was standing in quite crowded bus.Usually if i see any uneducated girl or newer one standing i guide her women's seat.But this girl was well dressed,calm and looked educated.It was hardly believable that she can't read or was unaware of this privilege bestowed on our sex.She wasn't looking for directions and wasn't anxious with each bus stopped.So i preassumed that she is not new.All the time i was i fix that should i ask the guy sitting next to me to get up and call her.She was so innocent looking and almost had an angel face.
  Soon i got my answer when she turned her handbag to my side.It was scibbled on it"Deaf mute volleyball association".I was so shocked.Before she got down i consulted with a guy travelling next to her in sign language.It was too late.My heart was filled with guilt.
 I still blame myself for not offering her seat and this is not out of pity.I would have taken pleasure in sharing some of her inability.I am still not able to guess what would have happened then She would have declined or accepted and then told me about herself.This would have been more uncomfortable for her i suppose.So she decided to keep herself aloof from all this and uncomplainingly stand with the crowd.

Past present future

 Well from past few days i was off to my village as we were having a family ceremony on my father's 11 death anniversary.I actually cried during his mention and a lot.I remember when he died i didn't wept.I was just normal still not analyzing what i ve lost.During 11 years of fight with the world and myself,trying to fill his gap with boyfriends who used me and other people who misunderstood me i started to really miss him.Now i ve stopped seeking him in others for the security and TLC that i desperately needed.Finally i realized that the gap is impossible to fill and i have learnt to live with it.Sometimes i find all of my complexes somehow linked with his absence.It's like something missing in life at each moment.I am still not able to talk about him without tears so i just let all the emotions buried choking up myself.It's the first time i am atleast writing about him.Though it is said that hardships make a person tougher and I agree but somewhere they also tend to make one more vulnerable and complicated.


    We had havan and bhandara and i worked really hard and served atleast 300 people.My body still aches with heavy buckets and bending forward atleast 1000 times.But it was nice experience.I got to know even i have relatives and people whom i share blood lines.I felt there is actually some chemistry between people of same blood lines.And even after living in noida for 3 years i still felt like home there.The smell of that soil just makes me go gaga and the way people talk is though very rustic and unpretentious is so nostalgic.


  I just came from dinner in my own hostel mess.I just dread the moment of going to mess and having food.Though at many times food isn't bad as i imagine but the courage to taste it is too much to ask.I skip so many meals.I rarely eat with pleasure and kind of imagine when i'll have my own home i'll make meal time something to look forward too with diverse food items and special cooking recipies.Well as my boyfriend says i'll have to be a full time homemaker so i am looking for ways to spend time then.I know it's too early but i have to convince myself that i'll be excellent at least in that thing and have a laid back life and i notice myself to looking forward to it.I am tired of being exam-ed,viva-ed,presentation-ed,socially judged,hated etc etc.Ir's not good for a girl of my age but i want to take a real break.Considering my confusions about what i actually want to with my life i'll end up where my bf wants.Can't say for good or bad. 

 Today i cleaned up my messed up room once again.And being all day in my room on sunday feels really good especially in such a spick and span room.I plan and vow to keep it like this only.
 Living in hostel has it's disadvantages.One of them which probably goes unnoticed everytime is lack of privacy.You have to eat in front of at least 50 people,sleep in front of 3 people and go to bathroom with audience of at least 10.Any time alone in room in most welcome.It feels so stupid to be in whole public view 24*7.Thank god it's last year i would ve nearly died of  high proximity to crowd.
 On serious introspection i realize i ve made more enemies in girls hostel than friends.There are few faces with whom i share a smile and fewer smiles which i really mean.And so many faces of previous aquaintances with whom i ve to pretend i don't know and play  the indifferent poker face.And more others of recent rivalry with whom i gotta exchange expressions of animity and hatred.Some were so called friends who painfully betrayed.Some were roomies who choosed to misunderstand my wayward ways instead of recognizing the good qualities.Some just got out of touch.Somehow i want all of them to realize how much they ve hurt me especially when i was always a well wisher and any wrong on my part was seriously unintentional.Someday i really want to ask how you forgot what i did and felt for you gals.I always helped them as possible thinnking someday they will realize it but they choosed not to oblize.I don't know how they carry their conscience.I am extremely particular about any little thing done for me and i try to repay it as soon as possible or the least be obliged.Well i ve suffered on account of this quality too.But the most important is to recognize who is real well wisher and don't let other people get the better of you.
 Their is none in this college to whom i want to say sorry or sort out.In fact i don't want to carry the baggage of my so called pretentious friends here.From the sea of everything college stands all i want to carry out is maturity and new lessons learnt.I need only these for my future.

1St experience with a special child

I used to live in Agra as a kid and near our "Thana sadar bazar"
 was a small colony called Naulakkha(nine lakhs) colony which was my regular hang out place.
  In the same naulakkha colony lived my friend Deepali who had a disabled child.He could not speak properly, nor listen or understand and even walk.He walked with metal legs wearing big spectacles and had a body of 3 year old even when he was 10 or 12.Family was not well to do as i recall his father used to repair watches in his spare time after some clerical job.This little guy named Jhonny use to live all day by the window watching other kids go to school and come back.Soon he too started dreaming of school.His parents ran pillar to post to get him admission but no school was ready to take him Soon they gave up.I don't know how they told him but he too understood that.
 The colony had kind of play ground where waste was thrown and cows, pigs rested.It had a electricity pillar in between with little cemented area where a kid could sit.One day i saw Jhonny sitting their in month of may in the middle of the day.When i asked i came to know that Jhonny takes his water bottle,lunch and bag and leaves for "School" each day.He says bye and go and sit under that pillar.He eats his lunch pretends to study and comes back when he sees other kids returning.Sitting without shade under Agra's hot sun and blowing loos was heart wrenching thought for me even as a kid.Nobody was able to convince Jhonny to quit his mission.And he kept on his routine till i know no matter what the weather conditions were.
 What he learnt in his so called school or why he did that is food for thought.How his family suffered seeing him like this is other question and how society treats such kid falls into other debate.What concerns me most is the way we take our health, well being,normality so much for granted.We kkep on striving complaining about other things without thinking how much blessed we are.
  I always wondered what to do for him. I still get tears when i think about him.This was my first experience with a special child.Second was in Noida it self.

New happenings..

I finally cleaned up long pending wardrobe today.Otherwise all my clothes were on table and chair than inside.But in just two days condition will be the same.Sometimes i just clean room so that i could mess around in new way.

It's almost like we go to take bath in holy Ganga to wash our sins so we can begin sinning all over again.But nowadays i am told even Ganga has filled up with lot of sins so instead of getting rid of our sins we stick other's sins while bathing in it.That's why probably no body is interested in bathing in it any more.We Indians are like that no.Once our purpose is over from anything to pets to holy Cow we just leave them on streets to suffer and die.Some people have this attitude towards their ageing mother and father too.Leave alone mountains, colonies and rivers.Beside ourselves we hardly care about anything no matter what value or impact it has or had.

  

 To my utter surprise i feel like dancing once again.After first year even a foot tapping music or any body's public performance use to put tears in my eyes.It's a long story but to make it short i was really really passionate about dance 3 years back i had a bad experience in college.I still hate the people responsible for it and shall never forgive them.Leave all this.But my new found dance less passionate more sensible and balanced.I am level headed enough about it to conjure new steps and recall them instead of earlier when i danced spontaneously to my own tune and forgot step as soon as i was done with them.I think you learn all this with time that passion is not enough to fulfill your desires.Instead of illogical sensitive emotions you need a proper approach, thinking and hard work to make it a reality.

I always learn my lessons the hard way.Experiencing the worse possible pain to learn them.I am jealous of those who just have the gut feeling about everything.

 Chalo.. i gotta go.. bye..

Funda of my life....

  1.Don't leave your innocence-It means that even when you know all about every situation that it is hopeless ,still take risk to see the outcome.And don't feel hopeless in any situation.


  2.Don't leave your child within-No matter how much grown up and experienced one should one should still have his curiosity in tact, his ability to look at things and find them wonderful and actually get joy just by observing them.


  3.Travel alone sometimes-Traveling either by train,bus or your own feet somehow gets your mind to deep thinking about so many topics of the world and most importantly about yourself.


  4.Keep discovering something new about yourself each passing day and if you can't be a new person everyday.Never ever forget to change yourself and see how you never get bored of anything.


5.Make a point to give something brilliant to each person who comes in your contact.This may be a new perspective,new idea anything constructive for which that persons remembers you a long time.
Well many others ....


In short..


Be born everyday
Aaj rockstar kal pilot
And who knows what the day after
Kabhi kisi anjan station par utar ke dekho
Kabhi kisi gumnam shahar ka ticket katao
Dusri ki galtiyo se kya seekhna, make your own mistakes yaar
Never resemble your passport photo for more than three months
Har subah shock your reflection
Explore
Bachpan ke kya kuch nahi banana chahte the
Why not today?
Be born everyday”




This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
A silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

Chorus:
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

going on nowadays

I just don't know how november passed without almost opening the books at all.But thank God from today situation seems to be improved.I actually went to library, after the headaches and sleeping ailing eyes i somehow managed to to read reader's digest{it's my fav mag} and as the evening approached i finally studied a bit.Well at least i started.
  I again planned to go on the mission to study strategically to gain marks and knowledge.Let's see what happens.If i follow my timetable i am going to watch a movie all by myself.This is the only thing i didn't do in my 2 years of aloneness and i want to break that too.
 Friends really help one to study and conc if they are themselves serious.
  The best thing i did in college was to leave all my so called initial friends and move on.The bad decision was to carry one or two of them till my final year.I am glad that i ve really moved on with every mistake i did.I feel much more happy and ease with myself lately.I think this is life.The one you considered your kind are opposite from you, the ones you really cared don't give a thought to you,like that after a long solitude you really identify gems from rocks and discover they were actually there for you during all this time.And this is called happy ending.
 Sometimes i feel where would i be if i didn't fall in first year may be at much better place in college.I had so many dreams to do something to be someone in college which were all wasted in ashes.But now i find myself to be more mature, more thoughtful,more forgiving and most important better individual altogether.I know you guys will call it foolishness, compensation ,I call it seeing silver lining in the black clouds.

Being an opportunist..

Here i am not talking about the opportunity we all are told to identify and utilize.I am talking about those opportunities in which we use someone else to our own advantage, especially someone we know , a close friend or someone like that.Now don't think u never do it.Asking a favor,stealing girl friend,ditching the person who helped us at the first chance we get,making friends for sake of some benefit etc etc.Upto a certain extent we all have done this.
As far as i know we even did not spare our own parents.In fact they are the once we learn speaking lies.Taking money for wrong reasons might be the latest thing u did.
   All i want to say that at some point or the other knowingly or unknowingly we tend to see our own profits and fail to see what price the other person pays for it.Whether in terms of trust or money or time or effort.Whenever we think of our own good instead of common one we really hurt a person and give him distrust,Plenty of reasons to learn a lesson and beware of OUR kind of people or worse how to use a person. 
                        Please don't do that. 
I understand it's very human to fall for temptations,playing mind games,being ignorant,using someone else innocence or fool him and easier is to conjure up explainations  but isn't it your responsibility to become a true human with a very high conscience , become really respectable,and best reason is to respect your self.
Come on think for a moment you look at your own gains,Step into other person shoes, show compassion and don't do that.It may be tough, may mean taking more pains but if you do it over someone else expense trust me it doesn't worth it..

Running Half Marathon

I know it may sound strange to the ones who never ran 1 km but running a marathon is really easy and nice.Before you know it, u start the race and counting begins.First 1 to 5 km is kind of tough coz you are just new to this distance thing but once one reaches 5km then km's just become a number.You just run,walk, listen song,watch people's back and enjoy yourself.And the feeling of accomplishment is raw and full.Well beware of the tiredness,It really makes you feel like a cripple.I was not able to walk properly for 2-3 days despite of trying everthing like iodex,warm water,massages etc.No matter what it was real fun..


Go and try it sometime..Experience is mesmerising,The feeling of doing something so primitive,So much basic to man yet nowadays so unimaginable gives you a special high.The joy of being yourself,accompanying your own thought at their own pace.setting goals fitting to ur standards is amazimg..

Feeling lucky..

I guess i am having time of my life.Feel like thanking god for all these lovely things happening to me.I rang uP 95 FM radio station and got a gift of rs2500 though i am not able to use it.Still it matters.
  I got my friends in place finally.Supriya who was my room partner for two years became a friend with whom i could enjoy and same with other one too.
  I am actually concentrating in studies and i i often drop reading novels and watching movies because it waste my time.These was a time when studying my text books was a hobby.I use to do it when i got bored from chatting,sleeping,watching movies.reading novels in short only before exams.I feel as if i have a purpose.All bouts of sadness and silence are over.I thought i would be like this for my life.I feel cheerful from inside.
  Recent one is my selection in navy.At least i am worth something.They actually need me
Though i am not sure but all those people who comment on me should take notice and stop behaving with me like that as if i am stupid.I may fool around but not a fool.Leave it..Who cares..
God is giving with both hands...
  Thank God.

Had a great day today.. i mean after lunch.I went to library studied and then went to shopprix mall and had a hair cut.Though i am not sure how it looks but people tell me it's nice.Check out...

Sorry no photoshop was available.. I look like this only...

sessionals coming!!!!1

 I Had a nice day toady.I was quite focussed as compared to other day.I actually picked up Automobile book and want to library and actually stayed there and really studied the book.(clap!clap!)(big round of applause!!)Otherwise picking up a course book was a taboo,walking to library a serious pain, and reading magazines there was completely unavoidable.

      I feel more focussed and my earlier days(months actually).I guess looking once again at my long terms and not so long term goals helped.I actually enjoyed reading my course book for a change.

     Discovered books.google.com.Its a great site one should visit it.Got a lot of books on preview and all for free, though you may not find popular titles there but for incurable readers like me there are much more works of unknown authors and strange topics(i m reading a book on Princess Diana).

    My habit of talking to myself all the time sometimes back fires at me.There are times i argue with myself and get frustrated all over no apparent  reason.Call me insane if you wish but i just can't get over this.I guess being a lonely kid develops you into lonely teenager and  continues into adulthood and gets you weird habit like this.Today i was argueing with myself about helping others and it made me recall what i ve done for some people and how they repaid it.Well there were very few worthy ones and even lesser to who i am grateful.I ended up with regretting and making rules which i never materialize.

    I am still thinking about how much personal could i get on this.Its really tough one and i ve never been able to figure out this question in real life too.How much should we let others know about ourselves in order to be honest and yet hold proper image of ourselves in their minds.Most people i know even from newspapers are called graceful if they are extremely quite about their dark side like Amitabh bachhan(his episode with Rekha),Rekha(her 3 failed marriages,affairs),Aishwarya(Her prevoius BF's) and the list is not exhaustive.Anyone spilling the beans or being true to himself in other words is called vulgar,cheap,attention seeker and what not.

I guess we  lesser mortals have to suffer more graver consequences of our standing on this topic.Most people have skeletons in closet which they never want to dig out.I am trying to be as honest as i can in my thoughts and aim still keep my personal life away from it.There is a limit for everything and i'll learn it on my own way....best of luck..     

Life really sucks...

Sometimes writing this blog i realize how net addict i ve become.Earlier the word net addict just signified some american teenager lonely jerk who conveys his message through net,checking mails a thousand times was just a joke.And see now a day without net is a big nightmare.I am in habit of checking mail ,orkut, as many as times i could. Each time i open laptop orkut login is most obivious action.There have been times when i ve login at 4 in the morning to check out who's online.And this is not because of someone special.. just the unexplained need to be in touch..may be kind of timepass.

Personally i think it's way of filling that void which is created in my life.Just the feeling of doing nothing, being nothing.Life is all mismanaged and unfocussed as it can get.Just can't hold it.The feeling of being so useless makes me feel guilty of not studying and net makes me forget that..giving the temporary feeling of still being something.Even while writng this post i know it's of no consequence and i should be probably studying this time.But studying seems to require such a great effort that i avoid it as much as i can.Even 10 mins of reading text book has become so unbearable that i wonder how did i reached up till here.Just don't know what to do about myself.

May be to run away from this feeling i am going home. which seems to offer at least some purpose to life.. some belonging... something i can't explain.And i know self loathing isn't going to make it better or even make me feel better.Still doing things without purpose have become my major preoccupation..

Making a fool out of urself..

Is it exclusively my problem or each one of us have this tendency to make a fool out of himself out of absolutely nothing?Even if it is i am sure i could outlast everyone in this.I have this habit of thinking what i want not what really is..seeing what i want to see.. not the reality.And when the reality strikes you are out there... alone..disarmed..with everyone laughing on you as if they were never wrong and your well wishers claiming "I told you so".

I am just so fed with these recurring incidences in my life.Why can't i learn from others or even from my own mistakes for that matter.No.. how can i.. i have become habitual of all this.When will i actually grow up.Find my own identity than this fake pseudo identity i carry..Why can't i see the things i mean problems coming and deal with them as they are instead of expecting them to be turned and twisted as i ve imagined.Does anyone have this potion of pragmatism..maturity..wisdom..please give me yaar..otherwise i'll mess up my relationships..my career ..my life.. help!!!!

my poem

life will go on..

nothing actually matters.

days come and days went

i don't remember the joys and sorrows

i dont recall achievements i don't recall failures

all i know i was born

and i am living just for the heck of it.

betweem the nights

between the time i get up and go back to bed

to forget everything that transpired between it.

i forgot who loves me

whom i love

i forgot who loved me and whom i loved.

when my past became a big mistake

and now future is all misty

all i know that

nothing actually matters.

life will go on

between the nights

i don't remember the sleepless nights

i don't remember the restless days

i don't recall my friends

i don't recall my foes

may i ve really failed

may be its just the mood

but i really dont remember

who am i

what i was

and what i will be.

but i surely know

nothing actually matters.

life will go on

without me or with me.

what i wonder is

had my life went on without me

leaving me behind..

to think over everything and conclude

nothing actually matters..

Writen by quite a long time back..Just got into my mood once again..

Simple incident..Big change..

Quite a few people are aware that my whole purse got snatched recently while coming from shipra one night by riksha.I ran after the person, followed him with help of a bike but he hid in a park nearby so i lost track of him.I even informed police and that's will be a different blog to quote it's reactions.Well i really don't want any questions hurled at me at any cost so i kept it a secret informing only near and dear ones.

Well aftr losing my purse which contained my walet,mobile and many little things of lesser importance like MAC compact powder whose use i was still struggling to discover..my lotus kajal which i was yet to training myself to apply and Rs1500 or more...of course atm cards and i card.Rest of the items were quite unimportant but loss of money really got me on my nerves.

First night i spent crying and imagining all kind of possible situations in which i would have reacted and not lost my purse.The whole scene kept on appearing and i lost my whole night's sleep over it.Suddenly after this incident my sense of security seemed to vanish and fear took over.All incidences of noida in newspapers flashed over my mind making me feel more unsafe.I had this tendency to believe that anything like this can't happen to me.This is for the more unfortunate ones.Even watching all that news over TV didn't prepared me for the incidence.My first brush with so called real life situation.In my case i strongly suspect that even rikshawala was involved.And we trust them so easily with ourselves to take us anywhere at anytime for a meager amount of money.He could have done anything with us a full fledged loot perhaps or even murder.No one would have hailed us.The road was quite empty.How much we tend to trust people and our eyees open only when the trust is betrayed.Well i am not writing for safety on roads it other matter altogether.

The money was my spare money i fastidiously and painfully saved to get a new pair of branded sandels with heels.I made so much plans with it ranging from going Jodhpur to Pathankot with my female friend.. gifting a loved one something and many others..For days i regretted the loss..the plans..the dreams But now thankfully i ve got over all of them but i ve founded new fears..new shops and total new mentality and that too completely unconsiously.that is..

1. I ve stopped asking more and more money from my mom.I only ask the money i really need and spend it quite guiltlessly and easily as compared to the other times when i used to weigh the use, the utility of each 100 bucks spent by me thinking i could ve saved it for my future use.I got over saving money for future use in expense of present one.

2. I ve started thinking so much before venturing out that i ve left no desire to go out at all.I feel so much unsafe and i am afraid i'll develop some kind of anxiety over it.

3. I ve started appreciating the kind of security my hostel and college campus provides.Though i used to recognize it earlier still i wanted to break free in outside life.Now i feel thankful of not leaving hostel in last year.

4. I ve grown from a carefree moving girl unknown to her surroundings to more suspicious girl especially in foreign environment i mean out of campus.God knows i still get jitters seeing a dog moving in dark even in campus.

5. I ve started to recognize the importance of being afraid of many things and having that dare devil, bold attitude that i can handle everything.There are situations which can make you feel helpless no matter how much smart u think u are.

6. I recently got my footwear at atta at a cheap rate and found that wearing brands is kind of over rated need to boast to ur ego and show off.Most of us belong to humble household and our parents have saved money to built our future and not our style.Spend money when you can earn it.There is more in u as a person than wearing brands to impress others.

And most importantly... I recognized the futility of money in spending.It would have been much better if i had given this to feed some hungry kids or something like that as charity.What is the use of money you are spending on luxury when ur own country people are actually dying in lack of basic necessities.For them even 100 bucks u spend in one time dining out means a lot.How can you be so insensitive.There are people who die and kill for this amount.Think this before you go for another spending spree or when you see girls and guys dressed up as ramp models and u crave for same look.. clothes and accesories.

Life seems more meaningful when you have dreams for others unprivileged too,instead of running after meaningless, temporary gratifying luxuries.Time will come for these too but not now.You ve got to deserve them and not at least from ur parents money..

Toothache nowadays...

well..To be honest and personal.. i am having a really bad toothache nowadays.I consulted a doc i mean dentist today so i have enough material to write authentically about it.

We have thhis stupid tendency to ignore our body..it's pains..it's demands and we get serious only when it stops functioning or trouble us till we stop functioning.Look i had this tooth pain from at least last six months.. just a little sensation when getting up in the morn and smtimes it appeared while chewing.That was it.I thought of myself as a strong and relatively healthy person never expected thart my teeth will create a problem for me.As everyone i brush my teeth once in morning and smtimes at night.. do a gargle when smthings sticks up and floss it smtimes.I thought my teeth are 32 and over till it started paining ..bleeding and ya smelling..

Then i came to know that our wisdom teeth takes one year to 10 years to develop or even more!and brushing teeth is simply not enough.You gotto visit a dentist once in six months and go for scaling.It basically is done with water and kind of vibrator which cleans up plaque from most unreachable and unimaginable places.This plaque makes our gums bleed,damages teeth causes pyyreah and even makes them fall out prematurely.Ya.. sm lucky people have nice self cleaning teeth but rest of us have to struggle hard to keep them in our mouth.Not fair...But God never promised us to be fair.That's why we see soo bueatiful girls..brainy brains..sweet voice ..other talents etc etc.

I really advise at least a visit to a dentist.It doesn't costs too much(unless you visit fortis) and i'll recommend you one if u want a reasonable one.This scaling produre too is quick(10min) ,painless and easy..Sooner you start is better..

Song which explains me a bit..

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.

Expectations kill..

I accept my last blog was loaded with too much philosophy..sorry for that, i never wanted to sound like some self help.

I guess i need some self help books or tips in my life too.Why i always pick up people who never ever care for me as the way i do it for them?and even after knowing it i keep on showering my unconditional love on them..expecting them to change..hoping them to feel for me..Why do i can't move on and have at least some amount of self respect?Why can't i just make them feel the way as they make me feel.. no.. at every opportunity to help them i go on my knees and toes to be with them when they need it.And even if i miss a single chance to do it i keep on feeling guilty for it and blame it for other instances of betrayal.It just the way i am or the way i ve chosed to behave.. i can't say.Sometimes i feel like a doormat.. friends are not supposed to make you feel that for god sake..Then i try to convince myself that it may be some of their problems which are more important than me and keep cool,Generously offering them second, third or even 100th chance to step over me again.

I wish i could change that about myself.I feel like actress of first half of a nerd becoming winner but in my life second half never shows up.Ya.. i am told by everyone i share this not to expect but how can you not expect when you have ran pillar to post to support them,you have lost your own emotions to fight for them,you ve spent hours thinking how to please them.when you ve always always blamed yourself for every screw up in their life.

I know possibly it's all my fault.may be i don't deserve the affection,understanding and all that stuff.Still yaar i m a human stop hurting me everytime.

why judge others..

I live in a girls hostel and despite of staying away as i can from social gatherings the thing i come across is bitching and gossiping.No one spares anyone..best friends..room partners..schoolmates.And more often then not these are not genuine complains about each other.But this attitude is not limited to girls.We all are involved.

One single thing which is common in all people around me.in newspapers and i am sure even globally is our tendency to judge each other.We tend to do it by caste,place of belonging,schools or college attended,clothes,attitude,way of walking,past,boyfriends/girlfriends,grades,body,sunsigns and in china even by blood types.I just seems to me there are so many categories to jugde a person beforehand that you never really get to that person.Your predudices,your rockhard notions about right and wrong keep you away from the person.why such hatred,why such contempt.We all decide how the person is before evem talking to him and then all his further actions just keep on confirming your views untill of course some out of the world disclosure makes you see the real one.\

I ve always believed that we all inherit some kind on inferiority complex about ourselves, that's why from ages people found ways to look themselves better.See white and black in america..jews and christians in germany..bhramins and shudras in India....Now coming to recent times..we discriminate according to dress sense..bike or car owned.. social status..so called attitude..

Each time a girl gossip around me i search for a reason of her jealousy and often it's not very hard to find.Either the victim is more smart...more popular..more studious..has a great bf..great wardrobe..or anything.Trust me any thing will do even her way of sleeping,way of keeping her hair.We leave no opportunity to make ourselves look good in our own eyes.I ve seen girl who never have anything to say good about anyone and have "i am the best" kind of attitude.Somehow i feel they are the most insecure ones.More normal ones say one or two good things about other one but will never ever ever ever forget to add her or his shortcoming no matter how minute,but she will make it look like biggest blunder possible.

Most pathetic are the ones who themselves have the same shortcoming she is critisizing in other.Here she 'll shamelessly make herself more innocent and holier than thou as if other person don't know this about her.If you ever dare to point out this to her .She'll especially make efforts justify herself, denying the whole thing and most sensible discriminates her crime by distinguishing it by insignificant dissimilarities.

Though the victims are themselves predaters still some people lose their confidence over this.It's makes everyone sad even for a moment.We become more distrusting personalities.We become more cynic and consious about ourselves.Every one gets affected more or less.There are more flipside to this human nature than better ones.

Well i know my writing will not make difference.At least i want you all to think twice before hating someone..judging someone..in fact it's about more humane way of seeing each other.Everybody has flaws in family,studies,personality,past,body.Why do you judge with flaws instead of qualities?Why are you so insecure about urself that you need to make someone look bad to feel good about urself?Love and trust people genuinely.Help them to be better person, overcome their shortcoming,accept them.If even 10% people practise this world will be much better and easy place to live

'Dont judge others" is the first lesson of moral science book and first to be forgotten.Make it first one to be revised and practised...

Unmotivated

First of all i simply want to make it clear that this is going to be quite frank.Though i may sound stupid and may stumble a few times but i believe i make an interesting one.Leave all that aside.I am writing to impress myself and i will do my best job.

I confess i am kind of a loser who dreams and thinks a lot but at last does nothing.Everyday stats with new plans to study etc and ends with vow to start them tomorrow.I have done this for 22 years of my life ,eachday planning to stop this and starting a new life.Somehow i made to a decent engineering college and thankfully reached to final without being disgraced for at least my grades, well leaving the high performrs behind.I really don't know whats basically wrong with me.I am a bookworm otherwise reading every book i could lay my hands on except of course my course books.I ve being planning to start writing this blog for at least tree years but see i did it and i still don't know i'll be continueing or not.No focus no goal no expectations life just seems a big timepass to me and still my heart aches when i see others achieve something academically or otherwise.Whenever i watch that underdog becoming winner type movie my heart shouts to emulate it but motivation isn't enough.The song in hindi movies in which life changes is just too tough for me . Hard work seems too boring.Its my belief now that i am good for nothing.. and the problem is i ve totally accepted it as a fact.

I read two newspapers..know about each and every thing happening in the world but my life is as disorganised and unplanned as it can get.