Feeling lucky..

I guess i am having time of my life.Feel like thanking god for all these lovely things happening to me.I rang uP 95 FM radio station and got a gift of rs2500 though i am not able to use it.Still it matters.
  I got my friends in place finally.Supriya who was my room partner for two years became a friend with whom i could enjoy and same with other one too.
  I am actually concentrating in studies and i i often drop reading novels and watching movies because it waste my time.These was a time when studying my text books was a hobby.I use to do it when i got bored from chatting,sleeping,watching movies.reading novels in short only before exams.I feel as if i have a purpose.All bouts of sadness and silence are over.I thought i would be like this for my life.I feel cheerful from inside.
  Recent one is my selection in navy.At least i am worth something.They actually need me
Though i am not sure but all those people who comment on me should take notice and stop behaving with me like that as if i am stupid.I may fool around but not a fool.Leave it..Who cares..
God is giving with both hands...
  Thank God.

Had a great day today.. i mean after lunch.I went to library studied and then went to shopprix mall and had a hair cut.Though i am not sure how it looks but people tell me it's nice.Check out...

Sorry no photoshop was available.. I look like this only...

sessionals coming!!!!1

 I Had a nice day toady.I was quite focussed as compared to other day.I actually picked up Automobile book and want to library and actually stayed there and really studied the book.(clap!clap!)(big round of applause!!)Otherwise picking up a course book was a taboo,walking to library a serious pain, and reading magazines there was completely unavoidable.

      I feel more focussed and my earlier days(months actually).I guess looking once again at my long terms and not so long term goals helped.I actually enjoyed reading my course book for a change.

     Discovered books.google.com.Its a great site one should visit it.Got a lot of books on preview and all for free, though you may not find popular titles there but for incurable readers like me there are much more works of unknown authors and strange topics(i m reading a book on Princess Diana).

    My habit of talking to myself all the time sometimes back fires at me.There are times i argue with myself and get frustrated all over no apparent  reason.Call me insane if you wish but i just can't get over this.I guess being a lonely kid develops you into lonely teenager and  continues into adulthood and gets you weird habit like this.Today i was argueing with myself about helping others and it made me recall what i ve done for some people and how they repaid it.Well there were very few worthy ones and even lesser to who i am grateful.I ended up with regretting and making rules which i never materialize.

    I am still thinking about how much personal could i get on this.Its really tough one and i ve never been able to figure out this question in real life too.How much should we let others know about ourselves in order to be honest and yet hold proper image of ourselves in their minds.Most people i know even from newspapers are called graceful if they are extremely quite about their dark side like Amitabh bachhan(his episode with Rekha),Rekha(her 3 failed marriages,affairs),Aishwarya(Her prevoius BF's) and the list is not exhaustive.Anyone spilling the beans or being true to himself in other words is called vulgar,cheap,attention seeker and what not.

I guess we  lesser mortals have to suffer more graver consequences of our standing on this topic.Most people have skeletons in closet which they never want to dig out.I am trying to be as honest as i can in my thoughts and aim still keep my personal life away from it.There is a limit for everything and i'll learn it on my own way....best of luck..     

Life really sucks...

Sometimes writing this blog i realize how net addict i ve become.Earlier the word net addict just signified some american teenager lonely jerk who conveys his message through net,checking mails a thousand times was just a joke.And see now a day without net is a big nightmare.I am in habit of checking mail ,orkut, as many as times i could. Each time i open laptop orkut login is most obivious action.There have been times when i ve login at 4 in the morning to check out who's online.And this is not because of someone special.. just the unexplained need to be in touch..may be kind of timepass.

Personally i think it's way of filling that void which is created in my life.Just the feeling of doing nothing, being nothing.Life is all mismanaged and unfocussed as it can get.Just can't hold it.The feeling of being so useless makes me feel guilty of not studying and net makes me forget that..giving the temporary feeling of still being something.Even while writng this post i know it's of no consequence and i should be probably studying this time.But studying seems to require such a great effort that i avoid it as much as i can.Even 10 mins of reading text book has become so unbearable that i wonder how did i reached up till here.Just don't know what to do about myself.

May be to run away from this feeling i am going home. which seems to offer at least some purpose to life.. some belonging... something i can't explain.And i know self loathing isn't going to make it better or even make me feel better.Still doing things without purpose have become my major preoccupation..

Making a fool out of urself..

Is it exclusively my problem or each one of us have this tendency to make a fool out of himself out of absolutely nothing?Even if it is i am sure i could outlast everyone in this.I have this habit of thinking what i want not what really is..seeing what i want to see.. not the reality.And when the reality strikes you are out there... alone..disarmed..with everyone laughing on you as if they were never wrong and your well wishers claiming "I told you so".

I am just so fed with these recurring incidences in my life.Why can't i learn from others or even from my own mistakes for that matter.No.. how can i.. i have become habitual of all this.When will i actually grow up.Find my own identity than this fake pseudo identity i carry..Why can't i see the things i mean problems coming and deal with them as they are instead of expecting them to be turned and twisted as i ve imagined.Does anyone have this potion of pragmatism..maturity..wisdom..please give me yaar..otherwise i'll mess up my relationships..my career ..my life.. help!!!!

my poem

life will go on..

nothing actually matters.

days come and days went

i don't remember the joys and sorrows

i dont recall achievements i don't recall failures

all i know i was born

and i am living just for the heck of it.

betweem the nights

between the time i get up and go back to bed

to forget everything that transpired between it.

i forgot who loves me

whom i love

i forgot who loved me and whom i loved.

when my past became a big mistake

and now future is all misty

all i know that

nothing actually matters.

life will go on

between the nights

i don't remember the sleepless nights

i don't remember the restless days

i don't recall my friends

i don't recall my foes

may i ve really failed

may be its just the mood

but i really dont remember

who am i

what i was

and what i will be.

but i surely know

nothing actually matters.

life will go on

without me or with me.

what i wonder is

had my life went on without me

leaving me behind..

to think over everything and conclude

nothing actually matters..

Writen by quite a long time back..Just got into my mood once again..

Simple incident..Big change..

Quite a few people are aware that my whole purse got snatched recently while coming from shipra one night by riksha.I ran after the person, followed him with help of a bike but he hid in a park nearby so i lost track of him.I even informed police and that's will be a different blog to quote it's reactions.Well i really don't want any questions hurled at me at any cost so i kept it a secret informing only near and dear ones.

Well aftr losing my purse which contained my walet,mobile and many little things of lesser importance like MAC compact powder whose use i was still struggling to discover..my lotus kajal which i was yet to training myself to apply and Rs1500 or more...of course atm cards and i card.Rest of the items were quite unimportant but loss of money really got me on my nerves.

First night i spent crying and imagining all kind of possible situations in which i would have reacted and not lost my purse.The whole scene kept on appearing and i lost my whole night's sleep over it.Suddenly after this incident my sense of security seemed to vanish and fear took over.All incidences of noida in newspapers flashed over my mind making me feel more unsafe.I had this tendency to believe that anything like this can't happen to me.This is for the more unfortunate ones.Even watching all that news over TV didn't prepared me for the incidence.My first brush with so called real life situation.In my case i strongly suspect that even rikshawala was involved.And we trust them so easily with ourselves to take us anywhere at anytime for a meager amount of money.He could have done anything with us a full fledged loot perhaps or even murder.No one would have hailed us.The road was quite empty.How much we tend to trust people and our eyees open only when the trust is betrayed.Well i am not writing for safety on roads it other matter altogether.

The money was my spare money i fastidiously and painfully saved to get a new pair of branded sandels with heels.I made so much plans with it ranging from going Jodhpur to Pathankot with my female friend.. gifting a loved one something and many others..For days i regretted the loss..the plans..the dreams But now thankfully i ve got over all of them but i ve founded new fears..new shops and total new mentality and that too completely unconsiously.that is..

1. I ve stopped asking more and more money from my mom.I only ask the money i really need and spend it quite guiltlessly and easily as compared to the other times when i used to weigh the use, the utility of each 100 bucks spent by me thinking i could ve saved it for my future use.I got over saving money for future use in expense of present one.

2. I ve started thinking so much before venturing out that i ve left no desire to go out at all.I feel so much unsafe and i am afraid i'll develop some kind of anxiety over it.

3. I ve started appreciating the kind of security my hostel and college campus provides.Though i used to recognize it earlier still i wanted to break free in outside life.Now i feel thankful of not leaving hostel in last year.

4. I ve grown from a carefree moving girl unknown to her surroundings to more suspicious girl especially in foreign environment i mean out of campus.God knows i still get jitters seeing a dog moving in dark even in campus.

5. I ve started to recognize the importance of being afraid of many things and having that dare devil, bold attitude that i can handle everything.There are situations which can make you feel helpless no matter how much smart u think u are.

6. I recently got my footwear at atta at a cheap rate and found that wearing brands is kind of over rated need to boast to ur ego and show off.Most of us belong to humble household and our parents have saved money to built our future and not our style.Spend money when you can earn it.There is more in u as a person than wearing brands to impress others.

And most importantly... I recognized the futility of money in spending.It would have been much better if i had given this to feed some hungry kids or something like that as charity.What is the use of money you are spending on luxury when ur own country people are actually dying in lack of basic necessities.For them even 100 bucks u spend in one time dining out means a lot.How can you be so insensitive.There are people who die and kill for this amount.Think this before you go for another spending spree or when you see girls and guys dressed up as ramp models and u crave for same look.. clothes and accesories.

Life seems more meaningful when you have dreams for others unprivileged too,instead of running after meaningless, temporary gratifying luxuries.Time will come for these too but not now.You ve got to deserve them and not at least from ur parents money..

Toothache nowadays...

well..To be honest and personal.. i am having a really bad toothache nowadays.I consulted a doc i mean dentist today so i have enough material to write authentically about it.

We have thhis stupid tendency to ignore our body..it's pains..it's demands and we get serious only when it stops functioning or trouble us till we stop functioning.Look i had this tooth pain from at least last six months.. just a little sensation when getting up in the morn and smtimes it appeared while chewing.That was it.I thought of myself as a strong and relatively healthy person never expected thart my teeth will create a problem for me.As everyone i brush my teeth once in morning and smtimes at night.. do a gargle when smthings sticks up and floss it smtimes.I thought my teeth are 32 and over till it started paining ..bleeding and ya smelling..

Then i came to know that our wisdom teeth takes one year to 10 years to develop or even more!and brushing teeth is simply not enough.You gotto visit a dentist once in six months and go for scaling.It basically is done with water and kind of vibrator which cleans up plaque from most unreachable and unimaginable places.This plaque makes our gums bleed,damages teeth causes pyyreah and even makes them fall out prematurely.Ya.. sm lucky people have nice self cleaning teeth but rest of us have to struggle hard to keep them in our mouth.Not fair...But God never promised us to be fair.That's why we see soo bueatiful girls..brainy brains..sweet voice ..other talents etc etc.

I really advise at least a visit to a dentist.It doesn't costs too much(unless you visit fortis) and i'll recommend you one if u want a reasonable one.This scaling produre too is quick(10min) ,painless and easy..Sooner you start is better..

Song which explains me a bit..

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
But why all this hate? try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make

La, la, la, la (21x)
La, la, la, la (21x)

This is a happy end
Cause you don't understand
Everything you have done
Why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end
Come and give me your hand
I'll take you far away

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

New soul... (la, la, la, la,...)
In this very strange world...
Every possible mistake
Possible mistake
Every possible mistake
Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.

Expectations kill..

I accept my last blog was loaded with too much philosophy..sorry for that, i never wanted to sound like some self help.

I guess i need some self help books or tips in my life too.Why i always pick up people who never ever care for me as the way i do it for them?and even after knowing it i keep on showering my unconditional love on them..expecting them to change..hoping them to feel for me..Why do i can't move on and have at least some amount of self respect?Why can't i just make them feel the way as they make me feel.. no.. at every opportunity to help them i go on my knees and toes to be with them when they need it.And even if i miss a single chance to do it i keep on feeling guilty for it and blame it for other instances of betrayal.It just the way i am or the way i ve chosed to behave.. i can't say.Sometimes i feel like a doormat.. friends are not supposed to make you feel that for god sake..Then i try to convince myself that it may be some of their problems which are more important than me and keep cool,Generously offering them second, third or even 100th chance to step over me again.

I wish i could change that about myself.I feel like actress of first half of a nerd becoming winner but in my life second half never shows up.Ya.. i am told by everyone i share this not to expect but how can you not expect when you have ran pillar to post to support them,you have lost your own emotions to fight for them,you ve spent hours thinking how to please them.when you ve always always blamed yourself for every screw up in their life.

I know possibly it's all my fault.may be i don't deserve the affection,understanding and all that stuff.Still yaar i m a human stop hurting me everytime.

why judge others..

I live in a girls hostel and despite of staying away as i can from social gatherings the thing i come across is bitching and gossiping.No one spares anyone..best friends..room partners..schoolmates.And more often then not these are not genuine complains about each other.But this attitude is not limited to girls.We all are involved.

One single thing which is common in all people around me.in newspapers and i am sure even globally is our tendency to judge each other.We tend to do it by caste,place of belonging,schools or college attended,clothes,attitude,way of walking,past,boyfriends/girlfriends,grades,body,sunsigns and in china even by blood types.I just seems to me there are so many categories to jugde a person beforehand that you never really get to that person.Your predudices,your rockhard notions about right and wrong keep you away from the person.why such hatred,why such contempt.We all decide how the person is before evem talking to him and then all his further actions just keep on confirming your views untill of course some out of the world disclosure makes you see the real one.\

I ve always believed that we all inherit some kind on inferiority complex about ourselves, that's why from ages people found ways to look themselves better.See white and black in america..jews and christians in germany..bhramins and shudras in India....Now coming to recent times..we discriminate according to dress sense..bike or car owned.. social status..so called attitude..

Each time a girl gossip around me i search for a reason of her jealousy and often it's not very hard to find.Either the victim is more smart...more popular..more studious..has a great bf..great wardrobe..or anything.Trust me any thing will do even her way of sleeping,way of keeping her hair.We leave no opportunity to make ourselves look good in our own eyes.I ve seen girl who never have anything to say good about anyone and have "i am the best" kind of attitude.Somehow i feel they are the most insecure ones.More normal ones say one or two good things about other one but will never ever ever ever forget to add her or his shortcoming no matter how minute,but she will make it look like biggest blunder possible.

Most pathetic are the ones who themselves have the same shortcoming she is critisizing in other.Here she 'll shamelessly make herself more innocent and holier than thou as if other person don't know this about her.If you ever dare to point out this to her .She'll especially make efforts justify herself, denying the whole thing and most sensible discriminates her crime by distinguishing it by insignificant dissimilarities.

Though the victims are themselves predaters still some people lose their confidence over this.It's makes everyone sad even for a moment.We become more distrusting personalities.We become more cynic and consious about ourselves.Every one gets affected more or less.There are more flipside to this human nature than better ones.

Well i know my writing will not make difference.At least i want you all to think twice before hating someone..judging someone..in fact it's about more humane way of seeing each other.Everybody has flaws in family,studies,personality,past,body.Why do you judge with flaws instead of qualities?Why are you so insecure about urself that you need to make someone look bad to feel good about urself?Love and trust people genuinely.Help them to be better person, overcome their shortcoming,accept them.If even 10% people practise this world will be much better and easy place to live

'Dont judge others" is the first lesson of moral science book and first to be forgotten.Make it first one to be revised and practised...

Unmotivated

First of all i simply want to make it clear that this is going to be quite frank.Though i may sound stupid and may stumble a few times but i believe i make an interesting one.Leave all that aside.I am writing to impress myself and i will do my best job.

I confess i am kind of a loser who dreams and thinks a lot but at last does nothing.Everyday stats with new plans to study etc and ends with vow to start them tomorrow.I have done this for 22 years of my life ,eachday planning to stop this and starting a new life.Somehow i made to a decent engineering college and thankfully reached to final without being disgraced for at least my grades, well leaving the high performrs behind.I really don't know whats basically wrong with me.I am a bookworm otherwise reading every book i could lay my hands on except of course my course books.I ve being planning to start writing this blog for at least tree years but see i did it and i still don't know i'll be continueing or not.No focus no goal no expectations life just seems a big timepass to me and still my heart aches when i see others achieve something academically or otherwise.Whenever i watch that underdog becoming winner type movie my heart shouts to emulate it but motivation isn't enough.The song in hindi movies in which life changes is just too tough for me . Hard work seems too boring.Its my belief now that i am good for nothing.. and the problem is i ve totally accepted it as a fact.

I read two newspapers..know about each and every thing happening in the world but my life is as disorganised and unplanned as it can get.