Past present future

 Well from past few days i was off to my village as we were having a family ceremony on my father's 11 death anniversary.I actually cried during his mention and a lot.I remember when he died i didn't wept.I was just normal still not analyzing what i ve lost.During 11 years of fight with the world and myself,trying to fill his gap with boyfriends who used me and other people who misunderstood me i started to really miss him.Now i ve stopped seeking him in others for the security and TLC that i desperately needed.Finally i realized that the gap is impossible to fill and i have learnt to live with it.Sometimes i find all of my complexes somehow linked with his absence.It's like something missing in life at each moment.I am still not able to talk about him without tears so i just let all the emotions buried choking up myself.It's the first time i am atleast writing about him.Though it is said that hardships make a person tougher and I agree but somewhere they also tend to make one more vulnerable and complicated.


    We had havan and bhandara and i worked really hard and served atleast 300 people.My body still aches with heavy buckets and bending forward atleast 1000 times.But it was nice experience.I got to know even i have relatives and people whom i share blood lines.I felt there is actually some chemistry between people of same blood lines.And even after living in noida for 3 years i still felt like home there.The smell of that soil just makes me go gaga and the way people talk is though very rustic and unpretentious is so nostalgic.


  I just came from dinner in my own hostel mess.I just dread the moment of going to mess and having food.Though at many times food isn't bad as i imagine but the courage to taste it is too much to ask.I skip so many meals.I rarely eat with pleasure and kind of imagine when i'll have my own home i'll make meal time something to look forward too with diverse food items and special cooking recipies.Well as my boyfriend says i'll have to be a full time homemaker so i am looking for ways to spend time then.I know it's too early but i have to convince myself that i'll be excellent at least in that thing and have a laid back life and i notice myself to looking forward to it.I am tired of being exam-ed,viva-ed,presentation-ed,socially judged,hated etc etc.Ir's not good for a girl of my age but i want to take a real break.Considering my confusions about what i actually want to with my life i'll end up where my bf wants.Can't say for good or bad.