Feeling worthless..

 If someone was actually following up my blog he/she would feel my life is a complete drag on.It's not actually.I have many happy blissful days when i am all gung ho about life.But it's not in that mood i feel like writing blog.It's actually on days like this one has patience and motivation to scribble sorry type some soulful words in this space and sent to world wide web.Now i feel why in olden days people used to write a note, put it in bottle cork it and throw it in big wide ocean.So that some day someone or even lucky they themselves could uncork it and feel nostalgic.That's why we love literature.Anybody's thoughts feelings.I think it is some aspect of human civilization called communication.They have a very severe punishment called solitary confinement to stop this pleasure.I feel nothing would be the same if we have no body to talk to.
  Well i am feeling so worthless.I hate HPCL.If i hadn't got a call for interview from there i would have been somewhere not here repeating the things again and again.They almost made me believe that i was good enough and interview will be a cake walk.So overconfident me.And i stopped studying.Got myself more involved into my family which further made it worse.Interview happened pretty late.I almost got sick of opening their page in internet explorer.I can't fathom the reason all psu prefer it.It came so late and at a bad timing.Things were not great at home.I screwed up the interview with my nervousness in which i tend to speak more and more without thinking twice.My mother helped it in too.She came inside office in her dress asking when it will be over.So they got it done first.May be not a favorable impression.I just want to cry over that lost chance or split milk as you can say.It was my first.I was so uselessly hopeful.Lost dreams lesson gained.Don't go inside unprepared.And never bring your mom who is so audacious with you.Had it hurt her if she could just wait outside like anyone.I ve said her good bye and she ought to wait in her car.But God knows why after 15 min she shows up in office.I hate her face of that day now.May be i need to cover up my own short comings.What hurts more is instant on your face rejection.I just got out one man told me to wait.He went up inside came out and told sorry.That's it.I wished they'll call me back.E mail me or whatever but it never happen.My mom wanted to go back and ask the reason of my rejection.How stupid.


 The reason i am remembering all this is that everyone i know are at some seemingly wonderful places doing job, M tech, MBA, MS and what not.And i am here ranting about my failed attempts..What can i say.It hurts..A LOT.. 

Hyderabad....

 Living in Hyderabad is a pleasure for me.It rains almost every day and sun is usually absent for better part of day.You must carry your rain preventing equipment always.Even if there is not a single cloud and sun is shining.You never know.And when it pours it could make you bath in 5 seconds.If i have seen most heavy downpour here then the i have also seen the most misty rain.It appears like dew is falling a little bit fast.The tiny rain drops almost struggle to stay afloat on air.You can only see them on water surfaces which ripples as if wind is blowing.But it's the rain.
  I wonder if people in Hyderabad ever talk about weather.It's always the same here.In Delhi it's impossible to have conversation without it.On the up side weather is hardly a problem like it's never too humid nor too hot or too cold obviously if you don't mind rain.
 There are plenty of problems as well.People have extremely irritating habit to spit on the road.You can hardly walk 10 steps without jumping or siding to avoid one with mucus.They feel no shame in doing so as well.It's Hyderabad who taught me to wear fully covering shoes all the time.
 I love the narrow alleys here.In few places room are so built that you wonder if you are in public road or somebody's home.Each home is unique telling about period of it making ,remaking or adding floors.Most humble ground floor can bloom into elegant balconies in first floors or more.Houses are usually 4 or more floors.So i end up travelling vertically more.What i hate that these homes have their water pipes opening in almost middle of narrow street.As a mechanical engineer at least .375 of the road length.So it's impossible far a street traveler to move without getting dirty water on his/her head.Else you have to be impossibly careful.
 The water draining system is quite okay.You may wonder why rain water doesn't stay more that 5 min on road than rain.Well every pavement has a slope and many manholes which apart from giving you a bumpy ride drains the water quickly.Apart from these there are small more holes opening in drainage below.Makes me wonder if every road has drainage flowing below.
  Here, water comes once in two days.So people store water in sinks in ground and of course water tanks on roof.Rest of the water from supply is just let to flow on the road carelessly.Talk about water conservation, i have seen water pipes without taps.I don't know how could they not realize water is precious.
  Transport is fine.But traffic is huge.Even people walking on road can get struck.But clothes and food is cheap.You get copies  in kilograms like 30 rs kg or 60 depending on page quality.
 Luckily i am blessed with nice room and nicer room partner so no troubles.Only glitch seems to be frequent absence of my tiffin which ups my budget enormously.Especially on sunday when most shops and eating places are closed..
Studies are great with my routine of getting up as early as 4 o clock.Mom was always right about early mornings...May be they always are..

living my life

 I know it will sound strange but sometimes i feel i am not living my life at all.I am just pretending somebody called aditi and doing things on impulse as much as i can.I have these separate ideas for living life and more often i find myself doing things which i won't like to do as me.How can i be reckless selfish in living as i am.Sometimes i am so double standard and insensitive towards everyone around me.It like that i can't believe that it's me who is acting on wicked emotions.And i swear they are so uncontrollable and strong.
  I am not even heroine of my life.You know earlier when i was more forgiving or ignorant of my own nature i was the heroine of my life's novel but now i feel myself more of a villain the vamp the bad girl and like wise.
 I keep on doing mistakes and do them again until i forget and do them once again.Seems like i just can't have my lessons or i am taking forever to learn as if i have a spare life with me and i am just sampling with this one.
 It causes a great deal of confusion between right and wrong.And i almost always go the wrong way.
  And i miss my father a lot.May be he could have helped to figure out myself and arrange ,my life better.I am jealous of those girls who have their fathers by their side to control them guide them lead them.And i find myself so alone.May be it's just a excuse for a serial mistake maker.But how could i explain that i simply don't get it all.I couldn't help it and may be if i go back i'll do them once again.
 Well i try to be cheerful strong and positive all the time.Deriving comfort in books novels movies etc but deep down i know some part of my heart will try to find a missing piece of my life .. my father,Whom i didn't had the opportunity to know him better.

My regrets..from last year coaching..

Well first of all i regret leaving my job.At least for now.I know that was something i didn't want to do all of my life but i felt great earning for myself though at that place there was nothing to be done of that money.But still i loved the feeling of going to bed tired and going to office in morning.
Secondly i regret taking the coaching thing kind of lightly.I just didn't had enough discipline to slog out or make out each and every point teacher made or wrote.I felt my basics were very weak and i reality they were.
  I kind of trusted on my luck and presence of mind to make do with half baked knowledge i gathered.I was to starry eyed with mysteries of mechanical engineering that every thing seemed new and exciting and yet so confusing.I failed to catch the details.Still i can say i making to gate and 2 psu's was not bad luck.
  I learned that when you actually start learning so many concepts your presence of mind or whatever could deceive you presenting seemingly obvious logic for wrong answer.You have to rely on hard work and practice for excellence.
 I should have made most of my time in coaching by listening to each and every thing judiciously and imbibing it in my mind and outside coaching by practicing more and reading.
  Now i completely believe in what Einstein was thinking when he said success was 1% inspiration and 99% prespiration and i am trying to do the same thing nowadays.It's kind of challenging but tend to give you regrets  and frustration.There is kind is uncertainty attached to my career.Sometimes i even contemplate if waiting to get a husband was more appropriate option.But when i see my classmates in jobs i feel bad about my own joblessness, dependency and the fact that i am still adhered to books they threw long back..  

Facing hard times..And South India

Feeling highly frustrated nowadays.And i know it's just a passing feeling.But as long as it's staying it's wrecking havoc on my self worth.Decision of coming to hyderabad and prepare for coaching was not as bad.and i know it's going to reap benefits in long run.But what about the present time.More one feels frustrated more one tends to lose hours of studying and more frustrated one feels.May be i need a movie or a choco pastry or just need to get away from this boring routine.Well pastry sounds good specially now when 3 hours have already passed since i stuffed myself.I know this blog is sounding more and more drab as it is progressing but why should i care.I don't know if anyone reads the blog even.I just want to get this feeling out of my system.
  I should write my schedule then.I get up at 5 o clock take bath do pranayam and pooja before i go to my class at 6.15 am  to 9.15 am.I know everyone in north well gasp at the timings but in south people are okay about it.Here people are more focussed and disciplined me thinks.In down side they are not good at multi tasking or personality development or any other soft skill for that matter.They are just brought up to bring good marks that's why one sees the percentage above 90 for b tech here.
  I think south India is some how male dominated.I don't know about other family but my land lord daughter is asked to eat less and sacrifice all good things for her good for nothing 3 brother who have been in police station,drink and smoke and known to have girlfriends.Even her mother and grandmother are accomplices and the family intends to get her married even before her graduation.She a brave soul regularly fights for her status and sometimes succeeds.I really appreciate her for not giving in to her father.
 Girls dress up very conservatively and non creatively with no fashion sense.I wonder if they know the meaning of this word or not.They dress up in most unflattering colours with unflattering fitting of salwar kurta and very modestly pinned up dupatta.Even a girl like me feels smartly dressed and beautiful. 
  As far as i know people follow austerity by heart even when they have enough money.I think they prefer to invest in gold as you will hardly find someone without gold chain and rings more yellow and thicker than in north.One lady was even murdered by her own relatives as she was wearing more than half kg of gold.Imagine her love for gold.
 People eat rice more often.Housewives complain that they and their family do like roti but it is quite an effort to stand in kitchen in heat and make them.I wonder why anyone in north doesn't complain about the effort that goes down in making roti.Can we say our ladies are more hardworking?Well i guess they never had a choice.
 Weather is nice.It rains everyday in hyd and i love it.My friends tell me it rains more in other parts of south india.
I ve not roamed around much so can't tell you places to visit.


Feeling better.At least i ve forgotten why i started writing in first place.Sometimes writing becomes meditation.
Going to have my choco pastry.
bye...

The new Airport experience...

Well..
   I know what i wrote about the old airport experience it being fabolous etc etc.I have got a new opinion about this.


This was the third time i was at airport going to mumbai for my interview for which my selection chances were technically exactly 8.5 to 1,which were further made worse from my answers and now finally stand 100:1.If i get selected it would be because of worse engineers present with me.I even thought of blogging questions but why to take risk and ruin further your chances.I know it is selfish but i promise after i get selected or rejected i will honestly post all the questions and let others to find the answers.

Airport is not sooooo nice place adn air plane is not too good.It's ok that you walk in bigger room with clean floors lightining and buy overpriced stuff which you don't need etc etc.But afterall it is a just a boring place with same shops as malls(Again you can't afford).People are so indiffrent and all are the same rich proudy selfish probably living off their parents money.Nowadays they even be corrupt living off OUR money.

Flight was very lousy.To save cost GoAIR didn't offered us plain water(Thank god i brought my own from home) leave alone snacks(I was hungry) or choclates(My brother was wishing or let's say praying).Instead they offered us in fight shopping experience.I don't know where these people get ideas to offer in plane bidding that too in low cost aircraft.

Even airs were not favourable.We got to experience a lot of turbulence and air in stomach feeling.Even while landing or getting off one feels so uncomfortable and my ears were paining so much.All through the flight i kept on wishing it ends as soon as possible.
But Mumbai was raining and i had idli sambhar sa soon as i was out and felt elated.After all i was i amchi mumbai.I am loving it here...

interestingg...

more fears...

 I recently gave first exam in life for which i actually studied for a considerable amount of time investing hard work and effort.Even though for a few days.And before those few days , few more days for getting frustrated for not studying and banging my head against wall for it or better sleeping for 12 to 15 hours a days and convincing myself i am not actually preparing for it.Well one day i gave up  and freed myself from the tedious exercise opening the book and sitting(actually sleeping) around it till i decided to something better with my time like cooking or cleaning or entertainment.And the next day i magically got all the dedication and motivation for studying.Well leave it i am not writing about that....
  My motive to write is to discuss my fears.Two or three days b4 i started wondering what if my calculator's battery die on the very day.I was so scared that i contemplated carrying a extra cell with screw driver to change it.I even asked for extra calculator from my friend who reminded me when was the last time i actually heard of someone getting new cell for his vital numerical device.I found it very logical and calmed myself down. 
  Very soon i discovered new fear on not reaching exam on time.I slept at 12 ensuring total 6 alarms in my cell  out of which 3 were for 4 o clock and other were for 5,6 and 7 just in case i didn't hear one i'll be still in time to reach my center.Despite of my sleeping for less than 8 hours from past 3 days i still got up at 3 o clock all by myself and then waited for the morning to come.
  Well more fears but i feel the blog is getting too boring so i would just write about my next fear.Now when the exam is over and i found out i am getting respectable marks i am fearing if i wrote my roll number and name right you know just in case.Till 15 march i'll keep my fingers crossed.




P.S.- I am yet to get behind the steering or handle to overcome my fear of driving.And the my bf rides his cbz extreme i am soon going to suffer from fear of sitting on a vehicle or a bike at least...