Learning english

 Most of the middle class Indian families very conspicuously think that everyone attending an English medium school can speak very good English.In fact this is such a big myth that contributes these families to sent their children into english medium at every possible cost.But the reality is far away from these notions.A normal english medium school goer could may be understand the most spoken word or even read a bit and of course do grammer exercise but to expect him to speak fluently is a bit too much.The student who speak English are the ones with the homes where english is spoken by parents.
  I was the one schooled from a small town where most students were from villages and can't even speak Hindi properly.My family was totally Hindi educated and it was my mother's unfulfilled dream of speaking English that in was supposed to fulfill.I thought i could speak whenever i want to but in reality my only spoken English words from a written book or may be written by me.I noticed this defect when i got aquainted with my now Boyfriend who could really good english back in 11th standard.He belonged to a well to do DU educated parents and boasted of even English speaking grand parents.No wonder I was impressed.It was he who prompted me to learn the language.
    During our dates he coerced me to speak every word in English and refuse to listen to me when i gradually shifted to my mother tongue.I was tongue tied most of the times,groping for words that didn't strike,fumbling over verbs and sentence constructions.He patiently corrected my grammatical mistakes and suggested more appropriate words.He told me what the words like "shit","stand at ease","partiality" etc etc actually meant.I was actually using them without knowing their meanings at all.He corrected my too obvious pronunciation mistake.Soon i wanted to be in his league.He suggested to read the english novels ALOUD and word by word and yes in desire to impress him i followed this religiously and i still practice it sometimes.That how you know how a words roll from your mouth,sound to your ears and most important what does it mean and where it can be used.Their are so many words whose meaning you just assume and never remember them or have confidence to speak in your sentence.Sometimes i picked dictionary 25 times in a page but carried on even i have to pick it for the same word thrice.I awkwardly improved my verbal skills.
    But soon i discovered by spoken english does not contain new trendy kind of catchy words.Then i started reading interviews regularly.I practised my accent in a make believe interviews.I even learnt catchy phrases from magazines like stardust and filmfare.
  Three years later into it and was not able to understand english movies and songs.Zee studio came to my rescue.It started sub title-ing.So i got to learn difference between American and British accent too.And how they speak it.Well now when i can understand English song too i feel kind of proud.It only partially my dream.I just desperately wanted to impress Him.
 Nowadays i am still working on it's lesser known words their origin setc and etc.Even getting to know the feeling behind the words and minor subtle mistakes we do. It had been a long journey and i must say i ve come a really long way.Though i am still working on it and still feel inadequate.Everything in life is a constant decision.Whether it's relationship,learning or just living.You just don't have to be too comfortable with one self.That is precisely when you stop growing.

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Our teenage days...

  I just got a chance to see my 10th class slambook.It reminded me of those times when describing ambition was best topic to speak and 10 th boards were EXTREMeLY important.And future was all misty and mystic.We use to paint our future with lovely colours and even when adults warned that real world is different we still choosed to dive into our imaginations rather than paying heed to them.Everyone used to think we are different and acted and dreamed the same way.We were going to change the world and live life in a different way altogether.Promised were made to stay together,keep in touch and sacrifice everything for friendship.And most important Never Ever ever forget each other.Loads of reasons can be given for all those unfulfilled promises.I too hardly recall anyone names.. forget remembering incidences.That how life progresses.One thing goes and other shows up and you get too involved in new one to catch up with the later.Then one fine day you find yourself yearning for the "golden old times" and school time buddies.

    Back then LOVE was the only 4 letter word that kept everyone occupied, tarnishing each group or double discussion.It was kind of taboo, an enigma or as our elders used to describe"rush of hormones".But at that time all emotions used to feel so real,so novel-ish,so film-ish that we dismissed the notions of our elders.

  Now it all seems to be so stupid foolish to think but ya nostaligic.Everyone went to their own way.Hardly anyone kept in touch.Not with me atleast.

  I just got to see two of my friends with whom i shared tutions.We 3 rode our bicycles all over the Bijnore town.Dreamed about life beyond those gali -mohollas.The girl is in merchant navy now carrying a long distance relationship with a guy from 3 years and the guy is in Agra with a girl friend of 3 years who actually almost live in with him.Going to marry her next year.As they candidly told me details of their life I thank God i am not the only one.I wondered how similar is life of my old buddies to mine more than anybody around me.Was this just a co incidence.. some connection or result of our dreams which we desperately fulfilled i don't know.

  Sometimes you really can't understand life.It is like a geisha who'll show you something ..tease you to unravel it's mysteries ..never let you too close and leave you unsatisfied.The more you live more see..more you think and more you want to decode it...

My kitchen in hostel...

 For the whole three years i kept on looking for reasons not to estabilish a kitchen in my own room.Reason's were my not being on the same wavelenths with my room partners.I waited that some day i'll get o the ideal one.But in final year it was now or never condition.So i didn't wasted time and got myself the things.my kitchen boasts of:

1. A heater(it's a must).
2. a frying pan for maggi and boiling water.
3. One cup and 3 spoon,2 stolen from mess.
4. One tata coffee.
5. One darjeeling long leaves black tea.(My boyfriend's classy choice,"Better and healthy than ordinary tea"he says.It costs a fortune but worth it...I think..)
6. One tin of milkmaid condensed milk.(Once again on HIS insistence.But it's tasty and almost acts up like a true milk better than milk powder i say.Sorry SIR!)
7. Tiffin of sugar(i didn't got a Dibba).
8. A kissan mixed fruit jam
9. A paper cartoon in which most things are kept and it stay's right under my bed.Can be slid out to pick anything and slid back.
10. A catch masala's black pepper.I am still struggling to find it's use.   

                                    My heater regularly breakdown when it's coil melts and circuit is disturbed.But my skills to repair it are enviable.Yes ..yes i'll teach you for a fee.Did i mention once i even got it on fire by placing a newspaper underneath it.I hope this is quit forgivable..


I just love my cup.It's my first and got it dirt cheap from reliance for rs30.I really mad about the way it looks.

This is not table cloth but a curtain i doubled up.Looks nice na....

This is my  brand new but worn out heater with a almost historic pan i convinced my mom to donate. 

This is my kitchen quite small but portable and cute.

I am proud of it.
























Well that's all.You can ask for tips to maintain your own portable kitchen Ans yes i know i am being quite obnoxious but you see i ve been doing serious stuff for a while and needed a break to show off my first kitchen and first mug.Say thanks to me that i am not writing about my first coffee,first tea and first maggi.Yes Thank you..thank you now that's too much.Ya mention not..


Bye.. have fun..

Big egoes..

Right from my childhood i was gives storybooks in Hindi with a moral lesson.They always had messages such as, don't speak lie,show presence of mind,etc et.One of the most recurring message was "Do not not let ego (ahainkaar) creep into you.In all these stories ego was considered as biggest mistake even after being well learned.rich or anything.Acc to to that text as soon as a person started breeding an ego for his achievements,his end was inevitable thought few were left with message and warning.I was really amazed at the thoughtfulness shown by then "Gods" and the steps they took to correct the individuals.
   Back then i my mother told that ego is all about "me".When a person starts thinking that He is great he starts having an ego.I used to kind what kind of foolish person can even think of such thing and laugh over it.And if i tell you that we encounter ego so much in our lives too, you will laugh over it.Now let me explain.Look over following examples.

• The person serious in studies will at some point or the other ignore who doesn't studies so much,Reason:He think's he's BETTER if not down right great because he studies sincerely.
• Any bueatiful or well dressed girl in normal circumstances will not try to converse with normal human beings.And even if she does so she'll make every attempt to overpower them.Call it that she is addicted of attention but i will say the coz she enjoys more attention and she knows it that's why she's self concious.
• The one with higher cast or even non reservation one will despise an OBC,An OBC will further despice a SC or ST candidate.Despite.. of everyone knowing that it's govt of person birth place is responsible for this inequality and not any OBC or SC or ST.
• The one with brands will call other's clothes cheap and picked up from""palika bazar"
• My room partner is egoist coz she thinks that she keeps room clean and tidy and despises me for the not being that.
• A vegetarian will dislike the non-veg one.
• Slim people will hate fat one for letting themselves go and fat one will hate slim ones for being too persnickety. 

If you look at these day to day experiences you realize how much desperately we convince ourselves that we ARE better than the other one at our own decided criteria.We actually leave no miniscule insignificant and even non existent reason to rip other person in our eyes.
 Well that's how we judge ourselves and others.Read:http://myworld-mylife-myeyes.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-judge-others.html.
  Just a glimpse or consciousness of your own thoughts will show you the mirror of your ego.To be a better individual we have to prick this out of us.This will make this world a much better place.So let's take pledge to be more honest with ourselves and more modest. 

Big marriage party and more..

I recently got to attend a big usual Indian wedding in Delhi.With the usual stuff of showing off with lots of waiters,lots of unnecessary variety in dishes,heavy cutlery,mocktails etc and etc.To make it a more classy affair all aunties were dressed up in heavy sarees and loads of make up.Some were even beyond recognition.I really appreciated the difference make up makes on one looks but with a cost.Most people or ladies are not able to handle all this emotionally.They start to walk and talk with the attitude,hobnobbing anyone who is modestly dressed as if the person's value depends upon her way of dressing.They even don't want to seen with relatively poor relative no matter if he/she is close or not.They just group with made up ladies with more or less same standard.It was a big put off for me.

  According to me a wedding should be highly personal affair with celebration of mingling family with family and entwining of two lives rather than a showcase of jewelleries,sarees and services provided by bueaty parlors.The host family members should especially take care to introduce newly formed relation and make everyone feel comfortable despite of his/her looks or economic standing.To make people feel comfortable is the best quality of host but here they actually flock together chatting with such an air of self imposed vanity and importance that they succeed in making everyone feeling as outsider.And in this whole process they just forgot why other people are here for? And 

• NO! they are not to see your ostentatious,obnoxious display of wealth and 
• NO! they are not even here to know who is having an affair and who recently bought a ferrari and with black money and 
• NOT certainly to know how much your things cost.

 Sweethearts..They are actually here to give their blessings to bride and bridegroom for the new starting of their commitment and wedded life.But everyone is soooo involved in himself or herself that he forgets the REAL reason of gathering and function.

   Well i do have complains of the menfolks too.They are most of the time absent either checking out aunties or complaining about their wives or of course drinking.Drinking is sooo much important.No matter they are actually happy from the union or not or even they are good friends with the involved families or not,No one leaves the opportunity of free booze which acc to then is the "JAAN" of the party and party is incomplete without it.God knows how they smell,behave,bad mouth or even drive their families home.
 Next time please behave more sensibly and socially..

my faith on God...

I am always questioned about my faith on religion and on God whenever i refuse to accompany someone to go temple or refuse to take "prashad" or bow down before a carved stone.People so readily assume me to non believer but again get surprised with my occasional fasting or lighting diya or agarbatti.I have always been condemned for not keeping my pic of God in my room.Even my boyfriend wants to turn me into temple visiting believer.And i too tried to oblige to a certain extent.I confess that not too long ago i started the practise of visiting Shani temple each saturday and doing some rituals.It did felt better somehow but not the connection i wanted.The shop outside gave 100 ml mustard oil for Rs20 and cringed when i'd save up it for next time.He made faces when i asked for diya next time without purchasing anything.He even tried to sell my friend a small basket with flowers for Rs 50.Downright loot i say.Even inside the panditji clicked me and my pretty friends pics when we had pooja.He evn triend to touch us right inside the temple in front of "God".How come staying in front of God for soo many hour's,offering God things,lighting diya reciting prayers didn't changed his mind?
 Well my quiting reasons were not these.It's just my reasonable mind refuse to believe that God the supreme power could reside in small idols or photos.That the one who gave us everything to eat could be greedy for "Bhogs",The one who provided us everything right from clothes to house actually needed a space of his own to reside?The one who gave us prosperity could give us our wishes for greed of "chadawa".The maker of each small things likes somethings and dislike others.Why would he just create them then.Then they are soo many God s that i got really confused which on to follow.
  What i really think that all these God's were created like stories like mythology with lots of teachings,lessons for life and of course loads of creativity.And pandits at that time saw opportunity in each figure by turning it in worshippable , idolable and offerable gods.How else they ve kept their bellies well fed.I don't blame everyone there are few keeper of true knowledge but their voice grew weaker in lights of money.
  Well if i don't visit temples doesn't means that i don't believe in God.I have my faith on God who's the supreme power.Who makes this world goes around and my world too.I wake up everyday and say thanks to Him for giving me this lovely day.I consider him as a source of positive energy.I can't ask him anything cause he already knows what i want and what i deserve.If he gives me happiness i say thanks and if he gives me suffering he'll also give me power to bear up and i'll learn to live with them.
 Most of i feel is that people worship the idols we humans made to such an extent but not the idols which God made, humans and mistreat them to frequently.Service to humankind is the best form of appreciating His presence.




P.S.-Well from now please no questions about my faith..

My 2nd experience with diffferently abled person..

  I live in noida with my family living in greater noida.So i usually spend my weekends at home commuting by special yellow buses.These buses are specially for noida-greater noida route and very well maintained.They have 3 rows of two seater each reserved for women.Call it fair or unfair but i ve hardly seen any girl not utilizing this special right.Some of them even misbehave with men occupants to get their seat.
  So i boarded this yellow bus at sec37 to sector 62.It is almost 20 min ride.I as usual took the women seat and a guy was sitting next to me.Then i noticed this pretty girl of 20 to 25 years who was standing in quite crowded bus.Usually if i see any uneducated girl or newer one standing i guide her women's seat.But this girl was well dressed,calm and looked educated.It was hardly believable that she can't read or was unaware of this privilege bestowed on our sex.She wasn't looking for directions and wasn't anxious with each bus stopped.So i preassumed that she is not new.All the time i was i fix that should i ask the guy sitting next to me to get up and call her.She was so innocent looking and almost had an angel face.
  Soon i got my answer when she turned her handbag to my side.It was scibbled on it"Deaf mute volleyball association".I was so shocked.Before she got down i consulted with a guy travelling next to her in sign language.It was too late.My heart was filled with guilt.
 I still blame myself for not offering her seat and this is not out of pity.I would have taken pleasure in sharing some of her inability.I am still not able to guess what would have happened then She would have declined or accepted and then told me about herself.This would have been more uncomfortable for her i suppose.So she decided to keep herself aloof from all this and uncomplainingly stand with the crowd.

Past present future

 Well from past few days i was off to my village as we were having a family ceremony on my father's 11 death anniversary.I actually cried during his mention and a lot.I remember when he died i didn't wept.I was just normal still not analyzing what i ve lost.During 11 years of fight with the world and myself,trying to fill his gap with boyfriends who used me and other people who misunderstood me i started to really miss him.Now i ve stopped seeking him in others for the security and TLC that i desperately needed.Finally i realized that the gap is impossible to fill and i have learnt to live with it.Sometimes i find all of my complexes somehow linked with his absence.It's like something missing in life at each moment.I am still not able to talk about him without tears so i just let all the emotions buried choking up myself.It's the first time i am atleast writing about him.Though it is said that hardships make a person tougher and I agree but somewhere they also tend to make one more vulnerable and complicated.


    We had havan and bhandara and i worked really hard and served atleast 300 people.My body still aches with heavy buckets and bending forward atleast 1000 times.But it was nice experience.I got to know even i have relatives and people whom i share blood lines.I felt there is actually some chemistry between people of same blood lines.And even after living in noida for 3 years i still felt like home there.The smell of that soil just makes me go gaga and the way people talk is though very rustic and unpretentious is so nostalgic.


  I just came from dinner in my own hostel mess.I just dread the moment of going to mess and having food.Though at many times food isn't bad as i imagine but the courage to taste it is too much to ask.I skip so many meals.I rarely eat with pleasure and kind of imagine when i'll have my own home i'll make meal time something to look forward too with diverse food items and special cooking recipies.Well as my boyfriend says i'll have to be a full time homemaker so i am looking for ways to spend time then.I know it's too early but i have to convince myself that i'll be excellent at least in that thing and have a laid back life and i notice myself to looking forward to it.I am tired of being exam-ed,viva-ed,presentation-ed,socially judged,hated etc etc.Ir's not good for a girl of my age but i want to take a real break.Considering my confusions about what i actually want to with my life i'll end up where my bf wants.Can't say for good or bad. 

 Today i cleaned up my messed up room once again.And being all day in my room on sunday feels really good especially in such a spick and span room.I plan and vow to keep it like this only.
 Living in hostel has it's disadvantages.One of them which probably goes unnoticed everytime is lack of privacy.You have to eat in front of at least 50 people,sleep in front of 3 people and go to bathroom with audience of at least 10.Any time alone in room in most welcome.It feels so stupid to be in whole public view 24*7.Thank god it's last year i would ve nearly died of  high proximity to crowd.
 On serious introspection i realize i ve made more enemies in girls hostel than friends.There are few faces with whom i share a smile and fewer smiles which i really mean.And so many faces of previous aquaintances with whom i ve to pretend i don't know and play  the indifferent poker face.And more others of recent rivalry with whom i gotta exchange expressions of animity and hatred.Some were so called friends who painfully betrayed.Some were roomies who choosed to misunderstand my wayward ways instead of recognizing the good qualities.Some just got out of touch.Somehow i want all of them to realize how much they ve hurt me especially when i was always a well wisher and any wrong on my part was seriously unintentional.Someday i really want to ask how you forgot what i did and felt for you gals.I always helped them as possible thinnking someday they will realize it but they choosed not to oblize.I don't know how they carry their conscience.I am extremely particular about any little thing done for me and i try to repay it as soon as possible or the least be obliged.Well i ve suffered on account of this quality too.But the most important is to recognize who is real well wisher and don't let other people get the better of you.
 Their is none in this college to whom i want to say sorry or sort out.In fact i don't want to carry the baggage of my so called pretentious friends here.From the sea of everything college stands all i want to carry out is maturity and new lessons learnt.I need only these for my future.

1St experience with a special child

I used to live in Agra as a kid and near our "Thana sadar bazar"
 was a small colony called Naulakkha(nine lakhs) colony which was my regular hang out place.
  In the same naulakkha colony lived my friend Deepali who had a disabled child.He could not speak properly, nor listen or understand and even walk.He walked with metal legs wearing big spectacles and had a body of 3 year old even when he was 10 or 12.Family was not well to do as i recall his father used to repair watches in his spare time after some clerical job.This little guy named Jhonny use to live all day by the window watching other kids go to school and come back.Soon he too started dreaming of school.His parents ran pillar to post to get him admission but no school was ready to take him Soon they gave up.I don't know how they told him but he too understood that.
 The colony had kind of play ground where waste was thrown and cows, pigs rested.It had a electricity pillar in between with little cemented area where a kid could sit.One day i saw Jhonny sitting their in month of may in the middle of the day.When i asked i came to know that Jhonny takes his water bottle,lunch and bag and leaves for "School" each day.He says bye and go and sit under that pillar.He eats his lunch pretends to study and comes back when he sees other kids returning.Sitting without shade under Agra's hot sun and blowing loos was heart wrenching thought for me even as a kid.Nobody was able to convince Jhonny to quit his mission.And he kept on his routine till i know no matter what the weather conditions were.
 What he learnt in his so called school or why he did that is food for thought.How his family suffered seeing him like this is other question and how society treats such kid falls into other debate.What concerns me most is the way we take our health, well being,normality so much for granted.We kkep on striving complaining about other things without thinking how much blessed we are.
  I always wondered what to do for him. I still get tears when i think about him.This was my first experience with a special child.Second was in Noida it self.

New happenings..

I finally cleaned up long pending wardrobe today.Otherwise all my clothes were on table and chair than inside.But in just two days condition will be the same.Sometimes i just clean room so that i could mess around in new way.

It's almost like we go to take bath in holy Ganga to wash our sins so we can begin sinning all over again.But nowadays i am told even Ganga has filled up with lot of sins so instead of getting rid of our sins we stick other's sins while bathing in it.That's why probably no body is interested in bathing in it any more.We Indians are like that no.Once our purpose is over from anything to pets to holy Cow we just leave them on streets to suffer and die.Some people have this attitude towards their ageing mother and father too.Leave alone mountains, colonies and rivers.Beside ourselves we hardly care about anything no matter what value or impact it has or had.

  

 To my utter surprise i feel like dancing once again.After first year even a foot tapping music or any body's public performance use to put tears in my eyes.It's a long story but to make it short i was really really passionate about dance 3 years back i had a bad experience in college.I still hate the people responsible for it and shall never forgive them.Leave all this.But my new found dance less passionate more sensible and balanced.I am level headed enough about it to conjure new steps and recall them instead of earlier when i danced spontaneously to my own tune and forgot step as soon as i was done with them.I think you learn all this with time that passion is not enough to fulfill your desires.Instead of illogical sensitive emotions you need a proper approach, thinking and hard work to make it a reality.

I always learn my lessons the hard way.Experiencing the worse possible pain to learn them.I am jealous of those who just have the gut feeling about everything.

 Chalo.. i gotta go.. bye..