Fear of driving...

   It's been more than 7 years that my family owned a car and my mom confidently driving it.And strangely i ve never been curious about it.I enjoy much more sitting beside the driver and enjoying the scenery.Even when i sat on a bike with my Bf i hated the idea of actually riding the machine.
  But recently after continuously pestering of him and seeing even modest girls riding a bike so carefree and diligently i am having second thought about my reluctance.
  First problem is i just can't imagine myself actually riding the huge heavy machine and actually controlling it through mind boggling twist and turns of my hands and legs.I always fear i'll forget one or the other movement adn create a disaster.
  Secondly, i ve noticed the way people ruthlessly driving their way on roads.To make the matters worse there are auto s who are always adamant to make their way on streets one way or the other especially out of competition and then waiting hour long for the passengers.
 Thirdly i fear that somehow my mind will wander away and i'll ignore that bus crossing road and straight ram into it or take that one wrong decision to move left or right and will invite fury of my fellow road mates.
 Other fears are more vague like slipping failing brakes or any thing.Driving or riding feels so tough for a person like me.I really admire all those persons who take this risk everyday and every moment leaving their well being and life at mercy of streets and fellow travellers..


 As for me.. i have to still think thrice before taking bike in my own hands.But then one day or the other i have to overcome this fear.I have decided in my life that i'll never fear the fear and keep challenging myself.For this year it's my challenge....Please God help me..

passing days..

Well things are now cooling down.My efforts to stay awake in class are now negligible.I have started getting down to reasonable amount of studying though every now and then there is frustrating..break for God knows what reasons.

  I could still not study as much as i want to and this is very sick.I couldn't get away from my guilt.

Somehow i have a theory that most things i do is either because of guilt or regret.I was feeling guilty that i finished my college without significant knowledge of my subject so decided to give my self one more chance and and i joined coaching.Second reason was of course regret that if i don't do it now now i'll probably regret it through my life struck in lowly private job for no time for myself.

  Just look into your life and introspect what decisions one took just because of guilt and regret.

 Sorry now my G&R theory is telling me that i am already feelimg enough guilty for not studying and i'll regret all through tomorrow if i don't do it now...

 Ya.. Happy Diwali.. though i'll celebrate mine only when i turn successful keep myself away from darkness of sleepiness and boredom while studying..;;

studies..studies..studies..

At that time when  i joined the coaching and started it all seemed like dream.Sometimes i feel what got into me to take such a decision.One needs a lot of self discipline to make one study,especially the one like me.When the motivation begins to wear off and it seems to tough to keep your eyes black lines on the page of the book, get up and go to the class then fight the drowziness and get back and feel tired enough to sleep the whole day and night.Oh my God what i m doing here.Actually not doing here.My mom told from the start that hard work is not for you and she was speaking this on the basis of 22 years of watching me.I should ve believed her.Then and there.

   But what to do now.My positive attitude towards my improvement refuses to die down and i still found hope in disgustingly indolent , sleep and foodmaniac me.Well i ve always believed positive attitude is not a good thing, one should be quite pessimistic when it comes to estimating one's own capabilities.
  So i ve given up myself to fate and little bit of my optimisim and of course no use of cursing myself again and again.
I am not giving up and let the things be...
Who knows what fate has for me.
  

Nowadays..

Well.. i ve left my job for the higher goal to prepare for some govt job and joined coaching for the same.I know it appears quite foolish and unreasonable.I am still not able to explain mom my decision.I hope something good comes out of it.
  Looking for a liveable place in noida was quite tedious.Finally i settled for ghaziabad.
  Feeling very tensed and apprehensive.It could be a disaster as well.Ask me about taking risk.That 's all i ved one in my life.Justifying this decision to all the english movies i ve watched that encourage to charter the unknown path i move forward.It includes a lot of wait and inconsistent future,Need all the good wills ...hopes... blessings....luck etc etc.

P.S. I am keeping my fingers crossed...Pleaase pray for me.

I am finally home in the world of dinky cyber cafes and creepy guys looking at my computer screens and even sending me invites if they could guess my id.I don't know why there are no more cabins in net.So my all creative energies are gone.I got charged with latest comments and wanted to update it.

 Nowadays i am finding accomodation in Noida,As i realized that it is impossible to study at home.Quite tough task.You have to take care of various parameters like cost,comfort,security,Distance from metro etc ect and optimize each of them.

Well no matter how much i ve tried not to become an engineer but my linguistic and logicistic pattern predict that i think quite much like an engineer soon going to be MBA.

 Well time is running fast and i have to pay for it soo byee...

My goals for this year...

      This is my last post from my free college wi fi.I am leaving hostel by tomorrow out of pressure of my mom to come home (finally).She asked me so badly what was so important that kept me away from my home that i had to give up and agree to come back to where i belong.So all is over now.So called my best carefree days of my life.
   I got a call from my company for joining but i had to refuse them as i have other plans.It was tough and heart breaking when i had to break my promise to HR that i'll join that company.You see i want to me woman of words.Well one always have to make compromises in life i guess.
  No need to say that i am really sad leaving so many memories behind but it is indespensible.So to cheer myself up i am setting some goals for myself to finish in this academic year (starting from july) 

    

1.  I will crack CAT and make to some decent college with my sweetheart.

2.  I'll learn a new foreign language probably spanish or french before i take admission in college.


3.If possible i'll go for a month or two in BPO to improve my accent and vocals and obviously some money.


4.I will learn driving finally.I have this strange fear of roads and cars.I always feel i am not responsible and sensible enough to drive.But i'll have to overcome this and learn


  I know it is stupid but nothing seems to cheer me up (Yes not even these colours and fonts).  


For now i ve pack my bags go to roof and wound up all the memories i collected all over the time of four years.
  It's strange that for past four years i ve desperately waited to get this over.I can't believe that i am feeling so ravished.But then the time that i spent in my last year was quality time with right type of friends and right type of attitude.


 I know this blog may bore you or all of others blogs too,In any case i'll never get to know.I am upset enough to be crazy and disoriented.
  I don't know when i'll right next so untill then 


 Bye... 

Lessons in social behaviour..

      It was either my sheer ignorance or lack of curious attitude or lack of people around me that i never got to understand or say in other words got along with them.Somehow i believed that miracle friends will show up and i'll live happily ever after with them.How to manage a love relationship was the first thing i learnt from my boyfriend.He taught me to love a person despite of her shortcomings of course by example.But i never realized same rule applied to friendship as well.


  You have to stick around despite of various dissapointments ,show downs and other heart breaking things.I never realized this simple fact and quit at the first disagreeable things happened.I am not wrong if i say i was a social retard.I was just trying to prove everyone that i am absolutely independent and don't need anybody. On the other hand i never met people who understood me better and tried to prove me wrong.They either made fun of it or discarded it outright terribly hurting me in the process which in turn pushed me further into my shell.
      Some of other rules i learnt are..

1. One has to maintain a respectful distance while trying to help or advice someone.You might step on his ego or even look like a complete fool pushing your way on him.(P.S. It doesn't matter if you are right).
2. Always keep your weak or vulnerable point of views to yourself.You might not be able to prove yourself right or may get hurt in the process
3. When the other person is aggressive or possessive about some point of view(P.S. It doesn't matter if you are right.)  it's better to be as quite or at least polite.In this case "Speech is silver and silence is golden..".
4. Everyone yes everyone think he or she is always right so don't prove them wrong. (P.S. It doesn't matter if you are right.) 
5.  Keep on learning new things by your conduct with others and others conduct with you.Trust me you discover how does a particular behaviour feels.
6. Always try to find out your compatible company  like some of us like to be dominated while others like to be leader.
7. Keep a tight vigile on your attitude too.You must not be too bossy, too meek ,too smart, too quite or too verbose.In most cases "too much" much of anything will b critisized.
8. Most important learn to judge people and then show then their rightful places.In your heart or on your shoes heels.
9. Yes... in every case be yourself.Or you'll become frustrated  as time will pass and bubble will burst.
10. Last one ..no one likes a arrogant or self conscious person.No matter how much highly you think of yourself other person might not agree with you

    Well i am still a amateur and just started my lessons in social behaviour .For so many years i thought books were my best friends but you can't go shopping with books or chat up with them.So better keep your friends beside.Untill then i'll try to be a agreeable personality...

Eveteasing..small town attitude and big town mentality..

    When i was in Bijnore, teasing was quite common.Any body saying anything seemed quite normal.Being a girl in small town all of it came as part of it.You can't escape it and you can't oppose it.You had to be silent and pretend as if nothing happened.This was a sure shot method advised to me to keep the further attention away.I being scared of  further targeting by them i kept quite and at times i even got worried if comments extended for time being or someone followed up.If someone commented i was glad he didn't touched and if someone touched i was content that he didn't followed and if he did i soothed myself that he won't continue.Things never took off further than this.There was palpable deep rooted belief that if we did something about it the guy was going to react aggressively and it was assumed that this was something we could never afford.So best reaction was to be passive and calm.


    Well things changed when i came to Noida.There were creepy people in buses, in autos on roads.Out of fear i abstained travelling much going out in a group only and at limited hours.Soon my adventurous streak took over and limited hours began extending.Those days if someone said or did anything i started feeling contempt and disgust.There were times i badly want to strike back but i never did out of fear.Next two years were spent planning to react.Then the pinnacle came.


  I was at sec 37 looking for buses to go pari chowk noida.No yellow buses were there and for some unknown reason limited buses were making me run.So i was just standing when i saw a man coming but i also noticed that his path of motion as entirely parallel to mine.But as he approached he made a diagonal cut and collided to me.Without thinking much i turned back grabbed him by collar and planted a punch on his face.Being stunned he asked why and and i answered back angrily.After that everyone on road treated me specially no one even dared to cross my path.Everyone kept a circumference of space around me.It made me feel like a queen.


  And now i don't let anyone misbehaving with me or fellow girls. 


   I strongly feel that one should react as it would discourage them from this cheap form of entertainment.This is the one of the step to bring safety to travelling women.These goons should't feel that they could do anything and get away.These small incidents of speaking up saves the victim a mental trauma and sometimes even harsher consequences. 

End of college days

  College days are almost over with exams finished and project finishing tomorrow.Everything seems so uncertain so vague.Yet i am happy.Even if it's just for a change.Finally despite of everything transpired in my life over past 4 years.Four years of numerous let downs, frustrations, stupid toxic friends, unforgivable mistakes are finally over.Well  i did learnt many unforgettable lessons but the best part is that i have everything in my kitty now.One amazing love of a life time boyfriend,Three best friends with one guy included, a decent placement and all my feelings and logics at right places.
 One gets to know so much about other people,the rules of the world and most importantly finding yourself.
  I have nothing to say that is not already written and to be exact i am not feeling nostalligic.It's unusual but i am more excited to get outside and face the real world.Things i wanted to get when i entered the college are with me now.The purpose of my college years is over.No need for a college hangover.....

The Airport Experience

Recently got to take a flight to bangalore and back.It was the first ever flight of me.I was still in haze whether i'll be able to handle it or not.I just thank god i didn't vomit.
  Experience was simple mind blowing.The scene when a flight takes off was great.It even got better after the sunset.All the street lights, vehicles on the road made it out of the world sight.Itwas like the earth lit up herself.
   But the most important i learnt was that money is really important.Sometimes it tells what you really are.It felt so much like a VIP.You need money to save your travel time,buy anything on airport and buying food on air could burn a hole in your pocket without fill you stomach.You get to rub against really successful people who have made big bucks to travel so costly.You feel all this glamour,fun is in your reach you just have to shell out a bit.
  No wonder i ve become more ambitious and materialistic after taking that flight.Call me shallow if you want to but now i aspire to be globe trotting,frequent flier super cool smart and of course rich lady.And i will do it with my hard work.
  I ve come a long away from a small town girl with small home dreams to High class girl brimming with brands dreams.Lets see where life takes me.As of now i ve given myself away to flow with what comes alongWith my fingers crossed i hope it's all for good.....

Went to bangalore for navy...

Well in my first ever flight i went to Bangalore for getting selected in navy.Though i only aimed for staying 5 days there, making friends and enjoying and coming back not getting selected.Now feeling really bad for doing the same.In interview i myself ensured that i don't get selected but now i am sulking so much for it.My dreams are all loaded with navy dreams.No amount of consolation seems to be enough.Sometimes we should be careful with what we truly want we may end up getting it.
  Of course i'll get over it in few days a time still the scar of getting rejected will remain.Everytime my mind revises over what went wrong,i recall my efforts not to get selected and i cringe.Wish to get over it as soon as possible.Please help me....

Urmilla and women today..

2.Urmilla:
    
  Well she was the victim no.2 of whole story Ramayana.For the uninitiated. she was the beloved wife of Bro Lakshman who stay behind while he roamed around with his bro Ram.At least Sita had her beloved hubby with her through the ordeal but Urmila was even betrayed of this pleasure.She stayed all alone with out any support and i am sure any comforts would have done her any good.Even snatched of the right to know his well being, what a torture it must be to constantly worry about where his he,how is he,what he ate and most important is he coming back or not and when.And she was even denied of glory and recognition Sita got with no fault of her.She too offered to accompany her hubby but hubby had lifelong fixation with his brother that he forgot he had his duties towards to her.The least he could have done is not to deny her of his company.


  Though i have many other mythical characters but i will continue about them later.When i told my roomies about Sita they pointed out that Sita was the first single mom of India or may be the world.She was also independent and brave enough to bring her children to this world despite of controversy regarding their fatherhood.So she must have been gutsy and robust as she not choosed to die like many her other counterparts.
  


Well I am not writing these because i am some sort of feminist... just to look things from different perspective.I very well understand it's not easy to a girl in even so called modern yet male dominated world.She has to constantly prove herself,press her desires to follow and many other minor and major sacrifices.Only then she gets respect as good sister,wife,mother and daughter.
Any girl not following the norms is considered imperfect to raise a family.I don't deny the harsh reality of this fact that girl needs to be mild,calm and caring.What gets me really miffed is the Sita or Rita mentality.There is so much pressure to confirm to stereotypes.Hardly someone judges a girl as grey characters mixed emotions.They are either typified as Marriage material or sluts.


And one more observation is that if a casanova guy wants to come clean and gets settled he's considered as someone who flawed and is easily forgiven and forgotten But if a girl of same reputation wants to come out she has to try double hard to carve the same niche for her.Even after that she's always classified as a slut and her mis adventures will be narrated at slightest provocation.
   Well this is life and i am not complaining.One has to learn with these notions and prejudices and i am a woman enough to take it....

wrong lessons from Ramayana..

   Its only recently i got to ponder upon the plight of young girls in  my hostel who's Boyfriends hardly pay any attention to them,are scared of commitment,and not even ready to put efforts in the relationship.They just woo gals in the beginning and forget to even care for them when they are all head over heels for guys.They need a girlfriends for namesake to show off between friends,sometimes for emotional support, and most important to roam around when they need so.And what's more irritating that they consider this as their birthright and feel no guilt or regret over it.They are perfectly stoic while hurting girls,crushing their self respect,destroying their priorities or what ever a girl allows them to lay their hand upon.I don't say girls are blameless yet according  to my understanding they are just victim of emotions,in some cases loneliness and desperation in others.They forgive each and every whimsical mistake,submit to nonsensical demands and stay satisfied with desultory efforts.

  Well i think this partiality is rooted deep inside the mythology.Though i am not a know all of it still this is my effort to understand what goes wrong with Indian males.

 Following are the few Great ladies ho set the wrong example...

1.Lady Sita: She comes first for her sheer popularity.She roam around with her dearest hubby Mr Ram for 14 years,shunning all worldly comforts even being a privileged by birth..hardly leaving his side for a second.She supported his every decision,guided him and shared his all joys and sorrows.Not once she stopped him from fighting asurs even knowing that he's putting his life in danger.Such was her dedication to his cause.The only mistake she so called committed was to cross the lakshman rekha.But then if Ram expected Ravan to pay a visit shouldn't he be more careful.Was Sita's well being was not his responsibility being her husband.NO...he was more busy fulfilling her duties towards rishi munis and earning accolades and paving path of his glory for generations to come.

  Then what right did he had to doubt on her even after "agni pariksha".If the result of this exam were doubtful,why she was made to undergo it in the first place.Did he ever thought what had happened to her if she were not get assistance of rishi when she was pregnant,time in which a girl needs her husband the most.And if he cared so much about public opinion why did he married her,exchanged vows of never leaving each other side for not only this life but next 7 lifes to come.Ya,he was a king first and husband later but he can't turn his face toward his own companion for 14 years for sake of public opinion. 

  The only so called glitch was people haven't accepted their sons as their king.But then why not Lakshman's kids or Bharat or Shtrus kids to have this honour.Why he wanted to keep the kingdom for his off springs.Wasn't it too selfish of him.I would say he never let his siblings to come out shadows of his own greatness.They remained the second lead to him always, never got a chance to develop,prosper without pressure to perform.

   Well all i want to ask Ram that did he ever felt the guilt towards Sita

 

• For not protecting her from kidnapping,
• Making her agonize,fit and fume at Ravan's palace,
• For making her denounce all worldly pleasures for 14 years and many more years to come after.
• For letting her being homeless inspite of being a queen after her pregnancy and during child birth.
• For ending her life prematurely because of him.

 Though i wish to write all about women but it would make ot a lousy read so i'll cover other ladies in next blog.Hope you look forward to it.