living my life

 I know it will sound strange but sometimes i feel i am not living my life at all.I am just pretending somebody called aditi and doing things on impulse as much as i can.I have these separate ideas for living life and more often i find myself doing things which i won't like to do as me.How can i be reckless selfish in living as i am.Sometimes i am so double standard and insensitive towards everyone around me.It like that i can't believe that it's me who is acting on wicked emotions.And i swear they are so uncontrollable and strong.
  I am not even heroine of my life.You know earlier when i was more forgiving or ignorant of my own nature i was the heroine of my life's novel but now i feel myself more of a villain the vamp the bad girl and like wise.
 I keep on doing mistakes and do them again until i forget and do them once again.Seems like i just can't have my lessons or i am taking forever to learn as if i have a spare life with me and i am just sampling with this one.
 It causes a great deal of confusion between right and wrong.And i almost always go the wrong way.
  And i miss my father a lot.May be he could have helped to figure out myself and arrange ,my life better.I am jealous of those girls who have their fathers by their side to control them guide them lead them.And i find myself so alone.May be it's just a excuse for a serial mistake maker.But how could i explain that i simply don't get it all.I couldn't help it and may be if i go back i'll do them once again.
 Well i try to be cheerful strong and positive all the time.Deriving comfort in books novels movies etc but deep down i know some part of my heart will try to find a missing piece of my life .. my father,Whom i didn't had the opportunity to know him better.

My regrets..from last year coaching..

Well first of all i regret leaving my job.At least for now.I know that was something i didn't want to do all of my life but i felt great earning for myself though at that place there was nothing to be done of that money.But still i loved the feeling of going to bed tired and going to office in morning.
Secondly i regret taking the coaching thing kind of lightly.I just didn't had enough discipline to slog out or make out each and every point teacher made or wrote.I felt my basics were very weak and i reality they were.
  I kind of trusted on my luck and presence of mind to make do with half baked knowledge i gathered.I was to starry eyed with mysteries of mechanical engineering that every thing seemed new and exciting and yet so confusing.I failed to catch the details.Still i can say i making to gate and 2 psu's was not bad luck.
  I learned that when you actually start learning so many concepts your presence of mind or whatever could deceive you presenting seemingly obvious logic for wrong answer.You have to rely on hard work and practice for excellence.
 I should have made most of my time in coaching by listening to each and every thing judiciously and imbibing it in my mind and outside coaching by practicing more and reading.
  Now i completely believe in what Einstein was thinking when he said success was 1% inspiration and 99% prespiration and i am trying to do the same thing nowadays.It's kind of challenging but tend to give you regrets  and frustration.There is kind is uncertainty attached to my career.Sometimes i even contemplate if waiting to get a husband was more appropriate option.But when i see my classmates in jobs i feel bad about my own joblessness, dependency and the fact that i am still adhered to books they threw long back..