outgrew..

   It was only a few days before i told it's meaning to akshita. But it is more applicable on me. I met pi and found she is too left fro me. She's not cool for me anymore. I don't want to be like her at all. She is just disoriented, messed up girl who will talk to a murderer without thinking about anything. I ve just found the new confident me who appreciates herself without deprecating others. I don't need others approval i know i am fine. I get bored easily in company of others.
  May be it has something to do with mayuresh. I enjoy with him so much that it's hard to find fun outside. A trip to school friend made me realize it more. Just a wastage of money, time and energy.
 I have always been hungry for other ppl attention, admiration etc etc but i suddenly feel comfortable in my own shoes.
I can't believe i am so unimaginative but only yesterday my head was so full of thought. pretty good thoughts i recall..

My Birthday..

My finally awaited dreaded. but inevitable birthday has arrived. I know i should have celebrated more ages like 21 , 22, 23 or evn 24 better. I really wish i could have. I miss being younger. I just feel so much more old. I am so late according to my clock and plan.
Don't know what else to say.But i don't want any cake to be put on my face and hair. i just washed my hairs. i know this b day is going to be memorable.Something tells me this year is going to be wonderful.All things i ve waited will finally come to me. More importantly i will become more wise and more equiped to handle this world and my life better. I trust god. He will take care of everything. I will just give my best to everything in my life.
I really wish he shows up with mind blowing gift.I know it is too much pressure or too much to expect from him.Okay.. i just want he shows up on time.He doesn't gets irritated and retains his mood sweet and romantic throughout the time spent.
I really want this day be memorable. I really want to feel like a princess. I feel like my childhood fantasy.. But i know shit will happen if i keep my expectations too high. I know i am going to cry tomorrow for something or other.It always happens when i keep my hopes and spirits high..
whatever.. happy birthday..

My upcoming Birthday...

I know preeti is preparing for my b day and that too a surprise i never got. In fact it is the surprise that i have never got on my birthday. In fact i don't recall any memorable birthday except the one in which blue biird fell in my corridor. I always wanted small small things or surprises never a big thing. BUt as for my parents were concerned money was more important than anything else. Each year i had to convince them to celebrate my b day. Even if they did no one came as everyone back then used to go to relatives place. Even at my taiji's i had to beg for cake adn small party adn all i got were bunch of pastries passed for cake. Even gifts were asked before hand to prevent any misunderstandings. As for my mother she never thought my birth on this earth deserved anything and not in the least a gift. Evn when my birthday was celebrated the tension of holding a patry was too much for her. She would snap on me often adn beat me too. Even party was for others. 

I was never enough popular among friends school or college. In fact in college the birthday wishes i got were maximum 2 or 3 including one from myu. My relationship with myu was always underwater to expect anything out of him. Eventhe gifts he claimed to have bought for me were nevr recieved whether it was denim skirt or so called payal.. They became panki bhaiya's make up box. 

I don't even know how to react when i will finally feel satiated. I don't think myu can ever do it right. It is too late to do all the things i wished for. Even if he does they all will be just acknowledged not enjoyed and i would just feel awkward instead of feeling obliged or at least happy. Though i am accustomed in buying him things and i have learnt to expect nothing out of him. HIs own expenses are hard to meet for him.

Birthday will become more memorable if i get through IES with a nice rank. BUt probably it is too much to ask.

I don't even remeber when i last cut cake on my birthday??? Or even eaten a piece of pastry?/ Or even enjoyed.Let's see if this birthday will bring something else in my life..

Post Written qualified.

As any other blogger i wish i was wrote more often.
Having a new phase. Caan't sleep. Don't know why?
Post Ies drama i became too focussed sucking all life out of me for single minded pursuit . feeling guilty of every minute waste. but now i m just enjoying myself. watched luv tuv tey chicken khurana. i think a good hindi movie after ages. Was confused a few days back but now much now. Whatever will happen, will happen.It feels some kind of waiting period. Watching period how things go. On which side elephant would sit. Wish it was over sooner but decided to enjoy. Sort of pampering myself, may be at a wrong time. But i can surely manage college doing all the fun as well.
Sometimes a get a feeling something is planned for me. And just for this moment i know god has plans for me.
I can't believe that i even forgot reading books. When i came here i found something amiss. It was only after i went on the first floor of library i realized i have not read a book. Strange!!! A girl always with a book in hand forgot that she derived happiness, fulfillment, even entertainment from book and not from sitcoms. If anyone had told me to jump the cliff trusting god i would have.

My first presentation...

   I am writing again after a long time. Many things have come and gone through. Sometimes i feel like a bridge. Life's like a river that keep on passing below me. Sometimes water is clear sometimes flithy, sometime less sometime more.Sometime it soothes me sometimes threatens me, my existence.
I am grown more accoustomed to failures and started to become more stiff. I am no more a mouldable girl now i want things my way. I am learning to live with myself, my decisions, my family, my thoughts, my loneliness.
    Most of the time i am at peace with myself but there are times when i ask "per che" means for whom and why? Sometimes i want to cry like anything.One moment i am cheerful next moment tears well up in my eyes.

I have taken admission in a M tech college and i have started to find meanings in it. But a surprise moment came when i wwas aske dto present a seminar in front of v.c and every other person who want to come and i did relatively good.I did not expect it from myself. I was happy yesterday but not now as i have almost forgotten the feeling. My head is pressed with other matters which need more of my space.I'll try to write more often from now...

Feeling worthless..

 If someone was actually following up my blog he/she would feel my life is a complete drag on.It's not actually.I have many happy blissful days when i am all gung ho about life.But it's not in that mood i feel like writing blog.It's actually on days like this one has patience and motivation to scribble sorry type some soulful words in this space and sent to world wide web.Now i feel why in olden days people used to write a note, put it in bottle cork it and throw it in big wide ocean.So that some day someone or even lucky they themselves could uncork it and feel nostalgic.That's why we love literature.Anybody's thoughts feelings.I think it is some aspect of human civilization called communication.They have a very severe punishment called solitary confinement to stop this pleasure.I feel nothing would be the same if we have no body to talk to.
  Well i am feeling so worthless.I hate HPCL.If i hadn't got a call for interview from there i would have been somewhere not here repeating the things again and again.They almost made me believe that i was good enough and interview will be a cake walk.So overconfident me.And i stopped studying.Got myself more involved into my family which further made it worse.Interview happened pretty late.I almost got sick of opening their page in internet explorer.I can't fathom the reason all psu prefer it.It came so late and at a bad timing.Things were not great at home.I screwed up the interview with my nervousness in which i tend to speak more and more without thinking twice.My mother helped it in too.She came inside office in her dress asking when it will be over.So they got it done first.May be not a favorable impression.I just want to cry over that lost chance or split milk as you can say.It was my first.I was so uselessly hopeful.Lost dreams lesson gained.Don't go inside unprepared.And never bring your mom who is so audacious with you.Had it hurt her if she could just wait outside like anyone.I ve said her good bye and she ought to wait in her car.But God knows why after 15 min she shows up in office.I hate her face of that day now.May be i need to cover up my own short comings.What hurts more is instant on your face rejection.I just got out one man told me to wait.He went up inside came out and told sorry.That's it.I wished they'll call me back.E mail me or whatever but it never happen.My mom wanted to go back and ask the reason of my rejection.How stupid.


 The reason i am remembering all this is that everyone i know are at some seemingly wonderful places doing job, M tech, MBA, MS and what not.And i am here ranting about my failed attempts..What can i say.It hurts..A LOT.. 

Hyderabad....

 Living in Hyderabad is a pleasure for me.It rains almost every day and sun is usually absent for better part of day.You must carry your rain preventing equipment always.Even if there is not a single cloud and sun is shining.You never know.And when it pours it could make you bath in 5 seconds.If i have seen most heavy downpour here then the i have also seen the most misty rain.It appears like dew is falling a little bit fast.The tiny rain drops almost struggle to stay afloat on air.You can only see them on water surfaces which ripples as if wind is blowing.But it's the rain.
  I wonder if people in Hyderabad ever talk about weather.It's always the same here.In Delhi it's impossible to have conversation without it.On the up side weather is hardly a problem like it's never too humid nor too hot or too cold obviously if you don't mind rain.
 There are plenty of problems as well.People have extremely irritating habit to spit on the road.You can hardly walk 10 steps without jumping or siding to avoid one with mucus.They feel no shame in doing so as well.It's Hyderabad who taught me to wear fully covering shoes all the time.
 I love the narrow alleys here.In few places room are so built that you wonder if you are in public road or somebody's home.Each home is unique telling about period of it making ,remaking or adding floors.Most humble ground floor can bloom into elegant balconies in first floors or more.Houses are usually 4 or more floors.So i end up travelling vertically more.What i hate that these homes have their water pipes opening in almost middle of narrow street.As a mechanical engineer at least .375 of the road length.So it's impossible far a street traveler to move without getting dirty water on his/her head.Else you have to be impossibly careful.
 The water draining system is quite okay.You may wonder why rain water doesn't stay more that 5 min on road than rain.Well every pavement has a slope and many manholes which apart from giving you a bumpy ride drains the water quickly.Apart from these there are small more holes opening in drainage below.Makes me wonder if every road has drainage flowing below.
  Here, water comes once in two days.So people store water in sinks in ground and of course water tanks on roof.Rest of the water from supply is just let to flow on the road carelessly.Talk about water conservation, i have seen water pipes without taps.I don't know how could they not realize water is precious.
  Transport is fine.But traffic is huge.Even people walking on road can get struck.But clothes and food is cheap.You get copies  in kilograms like 30 rs kg or 60 depending on page quality.
 Luckily i am blessed with nice room and nicer room partner so no troubles.Only glitch seems to be frequent absence of my tiffin which ups my budget enormously.Especially on sunday when most shops and eating places are closed..
Studies are great with my routine of getting up as early as 4 o clock.Mom was always right about early mornings...May be they always are..

living my life

 I know it will sound strange but sometimes i feel i am not living my life at all.I am just pretending somebody called aditi and doing things on impulse as much as i can.I have these separate ideas for living life and more often i find myself doing things which i won't like to do as me.How can i be reckless selfish in living as i am.Sometimes i am so double standard and insensitive towards everyone around me.It like that i can't believe that it's me who is acting on wicked emotions.And i swear they are so uncontrollable and strong.
  I am not even heroine of my life.You know earlier when i was more forgiving or ignorant of my own nature i was the heroine of my life's novel but now i feel myself more of a villain the vamp the bad girl and like wise.
 I keep on doing mistakes and do them again until i forget and do them once again.Seems like i just can't have my lessons or i am taking forever to learn as if i have a spare life with me and i am just sampling with this one.
 It causes a great deal of confusion between right and wrong.And i almost always go the wrong way.
  And i miss my father a lot.May be he could have helped to figure out myself and arrange ,my life better.I am jealous of those girls who have their fathers by their side to control them guide them lead them.And i find myself so alone.May be it's just a excuse for a serial mistake maker.But how could i explain that i simply don't get it all.I couldn't help it and may be if i go back i'll do them once again.
 Well i try to be cheerful strong and positive all the time.Deriving comfort in books novels movies etc but deep down i know some part of my heart will try to find a missing piece of my life .. my father,Whom i didn't had the opportunity to know him better.

My regrets..from last year coaching..

Well first of all i regret leaving my job.At least for now.I know that was something i didn't want to do all of my life but i felt great earning for myself though at that place there was nothing to be done of that money.But still i loved the feeling of going to bed tired and going to office in morning.
Secondly i regret taking the coaching thing kind of lightly.I just didn't had enough discipline to slog out or make out each and every point teacher made or wrote.I felt my basics were very weak and i reality they were.
  I kind of trusted on my luck and presence of mind to make do with half baked knowledge i gathered.I was to starry eyed with mysteries of mechanical engineering that every thing seemed new and exciting and yet so confusing.I failed to catch the details.Still i can say i making to gate and 2 psu's was not bad luck.
  I learned that when you actually start learning so many concepts your presence of mind or whatever could deceive you presenting seemingly obvious logic for wrong answer.You have to rely on hard work and practice for excellence.
 I should have made most of my time in coaching by listening to each and every thing judiciously and imbibing it in my mind and outside coaching by practicing more and reading.
  Now i completely believe in what Einstein was thinking when he said success was 1% inspiration and 99% prespiration and i am trying to do the same thing nowadays.It's kind of challenging but tend to give you regrets  and frustration.There is kind is uncertainty attached to my career.Sometimes i even contemplate if waiting to get a husband was more appropriate option.But when i see my classmates in jobs i feel bad about my own joblessness, dependency and the fact that i am still adhered to books they threw long back..  

Facing hard times..And South India

Feeling highly frustrated nowadays.And i know it's just a passing feeling.But as long as it's staying it's wrecking havoc on my self worth.Decision of coming to hyderabad and prepare for coaching was not as bad.and i know it's going to reap benefits in long run.But what about the present time.More one feels frustrated more one tends to lose hours of studying and more frustrated one feels.May be i need a movie or a choco pastry or just need to get away from this boring routine.Well pastry sounds good specially now when 3 hours have already passed since i stuffed myself.I know this blog is sounding more and more drab as it is progressing but why should i care.I don't know if anyone reads the blog even.I just want to get this feeling out of my system.
  I should write my schedule then.I get up at 5 o clock take bath do pranayam and pooja before i go to my class at 6.15 am  to 9.15 am.I know everyone in north well gasp at the timings but in south people are okay about it.Here people are more focussed and disciplined me thinks.In down side they are not good at multi tasking or personality development or any other soft skill for that matter.They are just brought up to bring good marks that's why one sees the percentage above 90 for b tech here.
  I think south India is some how male dominated.I don't know about other family but my land lord daughter is asked to eat less and sacrifice all good things for her good for nothing 3 brother who have been in police station,drink and smoke and known to have girlfriends.Even her mother and grandmother are accomplices and the family intends to get her married even before her graduation.She a brave soul regularly fights for her status and sometimes succeeds.I really appreciate her for not giving in to her father.
 Girls dress up very conservatively and non creatively with no fashion sense.I wonder if they know the meaning of this word or not.They dress up in most unflattering colours with unflattering fitting of salwar kurta and very modestly pinned up dupatta.Even a girl like me feels smartly dressed and beautiful. 
  As far as i know people follow austerity by heart even when they have enough money.I think they prefer to invest in gold as you will hardly find someone without gold chain and rings more yellow and thicker than in north.One lady was even murdered by her own relatives as she was wearing more than half kg of gold.Imagine her love for gold.
 People eat rice more often.Housewives complain that they and their family do like roti but it is quite an effort to stand in kitchen in heat and make them.I wonder why anyone in north doesn't complain about the effort that goes down in making roti.Can we say our ladies are more hardworking?Well i guess they never had a choice.
 Weather is nice.It rains everyday in hyd and i love it.My friends tell me it rains more in other parts of south india.
I ve not roamed around much so can't tell you places to visit.


Feeling better.At least i ve forgotten why i started writing in first place.Sometimes writing becomes meditation.
Going to have my choco pastry.
bye...

The new Airport experience...

Well..
   I know what i wrote about the old airport experience it being fabolous etc etc.I have got a new opinion about this.


This was the third time i was at airport going to mumbai for my interview for which my selection chances were technically exactly 8.5 to 1,which were further made worse from my answers and now finally stand 100:1.If i get selected it would be because of worse engineers present with me.I even thought of blogging questions but why to take risk and ruin further your chances.I know it is selfish but i promise after i get selected or rejected i will honestly post all the questions and let others to find the answers.

Airport is not sooooo nice place adn air plane is not too good.It's ok that you walk in bigger room with clean floors lightining and buy overpriced stuff which you don't need etc etc.But afterall it is a just a boring place with same shops as malls(Again you can't afford).People are so indiffrent and all are the same rich proudy selfish probably living off their parents money.Nowadays they even be corrupt living off OUR money.

Flight was very lousy.To save cost GoAIR didn't offered us plain water(Thank god i brought my own from home) leave alone snacks(I was hungry) or choclates(My brother was wishing or let's say praying).Instead they offered us in fight shopping experience.I don't know where these people get ideas to offer in plane bidding that too in low cost aircraft.

Even airs were not favourable.We got to experience a lot of turbulence and air in stomach feeling.Even while landing or getting off one feels so uncomfortable and my ears were paining so much.All through the flight i kept on wishing it ends as soon as possible.
But Mumbai was raining and i had idli sambhar sa soon as i was out and felt elated.After all i was i amchi mumbai.I am loving it here...

interestingg...

more fears...

 I recently gave first exam in life for which i actually studied for a considerable amount of time investing hard work and effort.Even though for a few days.And before those few days , few more days for getting frustrated for not studying and banging my head against wall for it or better sleeping for 12 to 15 hours a days and convincing myself i am not actually preparing for it.Well one day i gave up  and freed myself from the tedious exercise opening the book and sitting(actually sleeping) around it till i decided to something better with my time like cooking or cleaning or entertainment.And the next day i magically got all the dedication and motivation for studying.Well leave it i am not writing about that....
  My motive to write is to discuss my fears.Two or three days b4 i started wondering what if my calculator's battery die on the very day.I was so scared that i contemplated carrying a extra cell with screw driver to change it.I even asked for extra calculator from my friend who reminded me when was the last time i actually heard of someone getting new cell for his vital numerical device.I found it very logical and calmed myself down. 
  Very soon i discovered new fear on not reaching exam on time.I slept at 12 ensuring total 6 alarms in my cell  out of which 3 were for 4 o clock and other were for 5,6 and 7 just in case i didn't hear one i'll be still in time to reach my center.Despite of my sleeping for less than 8 hours from past 3 days i still got up at 3 o clock all by myself and then waited for the morning to come.
  Well more fears but i feel the blog is getting too boring so i would just write about my next fear.Now when the exam is over and i found out i am getting respectable marks i am fearing if i wrote my roll number and name right you know just in case.Till 15 march i'll keep my fingers crossed.




P.S.- I am yet to get behind the steering or handle to overcome my fear of driving.And the my bf rides his cbz extreme i am soon going to suffer from fear of sitting on a vehicle or a bike at least...

Fear of driving...

   It's been more than 7 years that my family owned a car and my mom confidently driving it.And strangely i ve never been curious about it.I enjoy much more sitting beside the driver and enjoying the scenery.Even when i sat on a bike with my Bf i hated the idea of actually riding the machine.
  But recently after continuously pestering of him and seeing even modest girls riding a bike so carefree and diligently i am having second thought about my reluctance.
  First problem is i just can't imagine myself actually riding the huge heavy machine and actually controlling it through mind boggling twist and turns of my hands and legs.I always fear i'll forget one or the other movement adn create a disaster.
  Secondly, i ve noticed the way people ruthlessly driving their way on roads.To make the matters worse there are auto s who are always adamant to make their way on streets one way or the other especially out of competition and then waiting hour long for the passengers.
 Thirdly i fear that somehow my mind will wander away and i'll ignore that bus crossing road and straight ram into it or take that one wrong decision to move left or right and will invite fury of my fellow road mates.
 Other fears are more vague like slipping failing brakes or any thing.Driving or riding feels so tough for a person like me.I really admire all those persons who take this risk everyday and every moment leaving their well being and life at mercy of streets and fellow travellers..


 As for me.. i have to still think thrice before taking bike in my own hands.But then one day or the other i have to overcome this fear.I have decided in my life that i'll never fear the fear and keep challenging myself.For this year it's my challenge....Please God help me..

passing days..

Well things are now cooling down.My efforts to stay awake in class are now negligible.I have started getting down to reasonable amount of studying though every now and then there is frustrating..break for God knows what reasons.

  I could still not study as much as i want to and this is very sick.I couldn't get away from my guilt.

Somehow i have a theory that most things i do is either because of guilt or regret.I was feeling guilty that i finished my college without significant knowledge of my subject so decided to give my self one more chance and and i joined coaching.Second reason was of course regret that if i don't do it now now i'll probably regret it through my life struck in lowly private job for no time for myself.

  Just look into your life and introspect what decisions one took just because of guilt and regret.

 Sorry now my G&R theory is telling me that i am already feelimg enough guilty for not studying and i'll regret all through tomorrow if i don't do it now...

 Ya.. Happy Diwali.. though i'll celebrate mine only when i turn successful keep myself away from darkness of sleepiness and boredom while studying..;;

studies..studies..studies..

At that time when  i joined the coaching and started it all seemed like dream.Sometimes i feel what got into me to take such a decision.One needs a lot of self discipline to make one study,especially the one like me.When the motivation begins to wear off and it seems to tough to keep your eyes black lines on the page of the book, get up and go to the class then fight the drowziness and get back and feel tired enough to sleep the whole day and night.Oh my God what i m doing here.Actually not doing here.My mom told from the start that hard work is not for you and she was speaking this on the basis of 22 years of watching me.I should ve believed her.Then and there.

   But what to do now.My positive attitude towards my improvement refuses to die down and i still found hope in disgustingly indolent , sleep and foodmaniac me.Well i ve always believed positive attitude is not a good thing, one should be quite pessimistic when it comes to estimating one's own capabilities.
  So i ve given up myself to fate and little bit of my optimisim and of course no use of cursing myself again and again.
I am not giving up and let the things be...
Who knows what fate has for me.
  

Nowadays..

Well.. i ve left my job for the higher goal to prepare for some govt job and joined coaching for the same.I know it appears quite foolish and unreasonable.I am still not able to explain mom my decision.I hope something good comes out of it.
  Looking for a liveable place in noida was quite tedious.Finally i settled for ghaziabad.
  Feeling very tensed and apprehensive.It could be a disaster as well.Ask me about taking risk.That 's all i ved one in my life.Justifying this decision to all the english movies i ve watched that encourage to charter the unknown path i move forward.It includes a lot of wait and inconsistent future,Need all the good wills ...hopes... blessings....luck etc etc.

P.S. I am keeping my fingers crossed...Pleaase pray for me.

I am finally home in the world of dinky cyber cafes and creepy guys looking at my computer screens and even sending me invites if they could guess my id.I don't know why there are no more cabins in net.So my all creative energies are gone.I got charged with latest comments and wanted to update it.

 Nowadays i am finding accomodation in Noida,As i realized that it is impossible to study at home.Quite tough task.You have to take care of various parameters like cost,comfort,security,Distance from metro etc ect and optimize each of them.

Well no matter how much i ve tried not to become an engineer but my linguistic and logicistic pattern predict that i think quite much like an engineer soon going to be MBA.

 Well time is running fast and i have to pay for it soo byee...

My goals for this year...

      This is my last post from my free college wi fi.I am leaving hostel by tomorrow out of pressure of my mom to come home (finally).She asked me so badly what was so important that kept me away from my home that i had to give up and agree to come back to where i belong.So all is over now.So called my best carefree days of my life.
   I got a call from my company for joining but i had to refuse them as i have other plans.It was tough and heart breaking when i had to break my promise to HR that i'll join that company.You see i want to me woman of words.Well one always have to make compromises in life i guess.
  No need to say that i am really sad leaving so many memories behind but it is indespensible.So to cheer myself up i am setting some goals for myself to finish in this academic year (starting from july) 

    

1.  I will crack CAT and make to some decent college with my sweetheart.

2.  I'll learn a new foreign language probably spanish or french before i take admission in college.


3.If possible i'll go for a month or two in BPO to improve my accent and vocals and obviously some money.


4.I will learn driving finally.I have this strange fear of roads and cars.I always feel i am not responsible and sensible enough to drive.But i'll have to overcome this and learn


  I know it is stupid but nothing seems to cheer me up (Yes not even these colours and fonts).  


For now i ve pack my bags go to roof and wound up all the memories i collected all over the time of four years.
  It's strange that for past four years i ve desperately waited to get this over.I can't believe that i am feeling so ravished.But then the time that i spent in my last year was quality time with right type of friends and right type of attitude.


 I know this blog may bore you or all of others blogs too,In any case i'll never get to know.I am upset enough to be crazy and disoriented.
  I don't know when i'll right next so untill then 


 Bye... 

Lessons in social behaviour..

      It was either my sheer ignorance or lack of curious attitude or lack of people around me that i never got to understand or say in other words got along with them.Somehow i believed that miracle friends will show up and i'll live happily ever after with them.How to manage a love relationship was the first thing i learnt from my boyfriend.He taught me to love a person despite of her shortcomings of course by example.But i never realized same rule applied to friendship as well.


  You have to stick around despite of various dissapointments ,show downs and other heart breaking things.I never realized this simple fact and quit at the first disagreeable things happened.I am not wrong if i say i was a social retard.I was just trying to prove everyone that i am absolutely independent and don't need anybody. On the other hand i never met people who understood me better and tried to prove me wrong.They either made fun of it or discarded it outright terribly hurting me in the process which in turn pushed me further into my shell.
      Some of other rules i learnt are..

1. One has to maintain a respectful distance while trying to help or advice someone.You might step on his ego or even look like a complete fool pushing your way on him.(P.S. It doesn't matter if you are right).
2. Always keep your weak or vulnerable point of views to yourself.You might not be able to prove yourself right or may get hurt in the process
3. When the other person is aggressive or possessive about some point of view(P.S. It doesn't matter if you are right.)  it's better to be as quite or at least polite.In this case "Speech is silver and silence is golden..".
4. Everyone yes everyone think he or she is always right so don't prove them wrong. (P.S. It doesn't matter if you are right.) 
5.  Keep on learning new things by your conduct with others and others conduct with you.Trust me you discover how does a particular behaviour feels.
6. Always try to find out your compatible company  like some of us like to be dominated while others like to be leader.
7. Keep a tight vigile on your attitude too.You must not be too bossy, too meek ,too smart, too quite or too verbose.In most cases "too much" much of anything will b critisized.
8. Most important learn to judge people and then show then their rightful places.In your heart or on your shoes heels.
9. Yes... in every case be yourself.Or you'll become frustrated  as time will pass and bubble will burst.
10. Last one ..no one likes a arrogant or self conscious person.No matter how much highly you think of yourself other person might not agree with you

    Well i am still a amateur and just started my lessons in social behaviour .For so many years i thought books were my best friends but you can't go shopping with books or chat up with them.So better keep your friends beside.Untill then i'll try to be a agreeable personality...

Eveteasing..small town attitude and big town mentality..

    When i was in Bijnore, teasing was quite common.Any body saying anything seemed quite normal.Being a girl in small town all of it came as part of it.You can't escape it and you can't oppose it.You had to be silent and pretend as if nothing happened.This was a sure shot method advised to me to keep the further attention away.I being scared of  further targeting by them i kept quite and at times i even got worried if comments extended for time being or someone followed up.If someone commented i was glad he didn't touched and if someone touched i was content that he didn't followed and if he did i soothed myself that he won't continue.Things never took off further than this.There was palpable deep rooted belief that if we did something about it the guy was going to react aggressively and it was assumed that this was something we could never afford.So best reaction was to be passive and calm.


    Well things changed when i came to Noida.There were creepy people in buses, in autos on roads.Out of fear i abstained travelling much going out in a group only and at limited hours.Soon my adventurous streak took over and limited hours began extending.Those days if someone said or did anything i started feeling contempt and disgust.There were times i badly want to strike back but i never did out of fear.Next two years were spent planning to react.Then the pinnacle came.


  I was at sec 37 looking for buses to go pari chowk noida.No yellow buses were there and for some unknown reason limited buses were making me run.So i was just standing when i saw a man coming but i also noticed that his path of motion as entirely parallel to mine.But as he approached he made a diagonal cut and collided to me.Without thinking much i turned back grabbed him by collar and planted a punch on his face.Being stunned he asked why and and i answered back angrily.After that everyone on road treated me specially no one even dared to cross my path.Everyone kept a circumference of space around me.It made me feel like a queen.


  And now i don't let anyone misbehaving with me or fellow girls. 


   I strongly feel that one should react as it would discourage them from this cheap form of entertainment.This is the one of the step to bring safety to travelling women.These goons should't feel that they could do anything and get away.These small incidents of speaking up saves the victim a mental trauma and sometimes even harsher consequences. 

End of college days

  College days are almost over with exams finished and project finishing tomorrow.Everything seems so uncertain so vague.Yet i am happy.Even if it's just for a change.Finally despite of everything transpired in my life over past 4 years.Four years of numerous let downs, frustrations, stupid toxic friends, unforgivable mistakes are finally over.Well  i did learnt many unforgettable lessons but the best part is that i have everything in my kitty now.One amazing love of a life time boyfriend,Three best friends with one guy included, a decent placement and all my feelings and logics at right places.
 One gets to know so much about other people,the rules of the world and most importantly finding yourself.
  I have nothing to say that is not already written and to be exact i am not feeling nostalligic.It's unusual but i am more excited to get outside and face the real world.Things i wanted to get when i entered the college are with me now.The purpose of my college years is over.No need for a college hangover.....

The Airport Experience

Recently got to take a flight to bangalore and back.It was the first ever flight of me.I was still in haze whether i'll be able to handle it or not.I just thank god i didn't vomit.
  Experience was simple mind blowing.The scene when a flight takes off was great.It even got better after the sunset.All the street lights, vehicles on the road made it out of the world sight.Itwas like the earth lit up herself.
   But the most important i learnt was that money is really important.Sometimes it tells what you really are.It felt so much like a VIP.You need money to save your travel time,buy anything on airport and buying food on air could burn a hole in your pocket without fill you stomach.You get to rub against really successful people who have made big bucks to travel so costly.You feel all this glamour,fun is in your reach you just have to shell out a bit.
  No wonder i ve become more ambitious and materialistic after taking that flight.Call me shallow if you want to but now i aspire to be globe trotting,frequent flier super cool smart and of course rich lady.And i will do it with my hard work.
  I ve come a long away from a small town girl with small home dreams to High class girl brimming with brands dreams.Lets see where life takes me.As of now i ve given myself away to flow with what comes alongWith my fingers crossed i hope it's all for good.....

Went to bangalore for navy...

Well in my first ever flight i went to Bangalore for getting selected in navy.Though i only aimed for staying 5 days there, making friends and enjoying and coming back not getting selected.Now feeling really bad for doing the same.In interview i myself ensured that i don't get selected but now i am sulking so much for it.My dreams are all loaded with navy dreams.No amount of consolation seems to be enough.Sometimes we should be careful with what we truly want we may end up getting it.
  Of course i'll get over it in few days a time still the scar of getting rejected will remain.Everytime my mind revises over what went wrong,i recall my efforts not to get selected and i cringe.Wish to get over it as soon as possible.Please help me....

Urmilla and women today..

2.Urmilla:
    
  Well she was the victim no.2 of whole story Ramayana.For the uninitiated. she was the beloved wife of Bro Lakshman who stay behind while he roamed around with his bro Ram.At least Sita had her beloved hubby with her through the ordeal but Urmila was even betrayed of this pleasure.She stayed all alone with out any support and i am sure any comforts would have done her any good.Even snatched of the right to know his well being, what a torture it must be to constantly worry about where his he,how is he,what he ate and most important is he coming back or not and when.And she was even denied of glory and recognition Sita got with no fault of her.She too offered to accompany her hubby but hubby had lifelong fixation with his brother that he forgot he had his duties towards to her.The least he could have done is not to deny her of his company.


  Though i have many other mythical characters but i will continue about them later.When i told my roomies about Sita they pointed out that Sita was the first single mom of India or may be the world.She was also independent and brave enough to bring her children to this world despite of controversy regarding their fatherhood.So she must have been gutsy and robust as she not choosed to die like many her other counterparts.
  


Well I am not writing these because i am some sort of feminist... just to look things from different perspective.I very well understand it's not easy to a girl in even so called modern yet male dominated world.She has to constantly prove herself,press her desires to follow and many other minor and major sacrifices.Only then she gets respect as good sister,wife,mother and daughter.
Any girl not following the norms is considered imperfect to raise a family.I don't deny the harsh reality of this fact that girl needs to be mild,calm and caring.What gets me really miffed is the Sita or Rita mentality.There is so much pressure to confirm to stereotypes.Hardly someone judges a girl as grey characters mixed emotions.They are either typified as Marriage material or sluts.


And one more observation is that if a casanova guy wants to come clean and gets settled he's considered as someone who flawed and is easily forgiven and forgotten But if a girl of same reputation wants to come out she has to try double hard to carve the same niche for her.Even after that she's always classified as a slut and her mis adventures will be narrated at slightest provocation.
   Well this is life and i am not complaining.One has to learn with these notions and prejudices and i am a woman enough to take it....

wrong lessons from Ramayana..

   Its only recently i got to ponder upon the plight of young girls in  my hostel who's Boyfriends hardly pay any attention to them,are scared of commitment,and not even ready to put efforts in the relationship.They just woo gals in the beginning and forget to even care for them when they are all head over heels for guys.They need a girlfriends for namesake to show off between friends,sometimes for emotional support, and most important to roam around when they need so.And what's more irritating that they consider this as their birthright and feel no guilt or regret over it.They are perfectly stoic while hurting girls,crushing their self respect,destroying their priorities or what ever a girl allows them to lay their hand upon.I don't say girls are blameless yet according  to my understanding they are just victim of emotions,in some cases loneliness and desperation in others.They forgive each and every whimsical mistake,submit to nonsensical demands and stay satisfied with desultory efforts.

  Well i think this partiality is rooted deep inside the mythology.Though i am not a know all of it still this is my effort to understand what goes wrong with Indian males.

 Following are the few Great ladies ho set the wrong example...

1.Lady Sita: She comes first for her sheer popularity.She roam around with her dearest hubby Mr Ram for 14 years,shunning all worldly comforts even being a privileged by birth..hardly leaving his side for a second.She supported his every decision,guided him and shared his all joys and sorrows.Not once she stopped him from fighting asurs even knowing that he's putting his life in danger.Such was her dedication to his cause.The only mistake she so called committed was to cross the lakshman rekha.But then if Ram expected Ravan to pay a visit shouldn't he be more careful.Was Sita's well being was not his responsibility being her husband.NO...he was more busy fulfilling her duties towards rishi munis and earning accolades and paving path of his glory for generations to come.

  Then what right did he had to doubt on her even after "agni pariksha".If the result of this exam were doubtful,why she was made to undergo it in the first place.Did he ever thought what had happened to her if she were not get assistance of rishi when she was pregnant,time in which a girl needs her husband the most.And if he cared so much about public opinion why did he married her,exchanged vows of never leaving each other side for not only this life but next 7 lifes to come.Ya,he was a king first and husband later but he can't turn his face toward his own companion for 14 years for sake of public opinion. 

  The only so called glitch was people haven't accepted their sons as their king.But then why not Lakshman's kids or Bharat or Shtrus kids to have this honour.Why he wanted to keep the kingdom for his off springs.Wasn't it too selfish of him.I would say he never let his siblings to come out shadows of his own greatness.They remained the second lead to him always, never got a chance to develop,prosper without pressure to perform.

   Well all i want to ask Ram that did he ever felt the guilt towards Sita

 

• For not protecting her from kidnapping,
• Making her agonize,fit and fume at Ravan's palace,
• For making her denounce all worldly pleasures for 14 years and many more years to come after.
• For letting her being homeless inspite of being a queen after her pregnancy and during child birth.
• For ending her life prematurely because of him.

 Though i wish to write all about women but it would make ot a lousy read so i'll cover other ladies in next blog.Hope you look forward to it.

Learning english

 Most of the middle class Indian families very conspicuously think that everyone attending an English medium school can speak very good English.In fact this is such a big myth that contributes these families to sent their children into english medium at every possible cost.But the reality is far away from these notions.A normal english medium school goer could may be understand the most spoken word or even read a bit and of course do grammer exercise but to expect him to speak fluently is a bit too much.The student who speak English are the ones with the homes where english is spoken by parents.
  I was the one schooled from a small town where most students were from villages and can't even speak Hindi properly.My family was totally Hindi educated and it was my mother's unfulfilled dream of speaking English that in was supposed to fulfill.I thought i could speak whenever i want to but in reality my only spoken English words from a written book or may be written by me.I noticed this defect when i got aquainted with my now Boyfriend who could really good english back in 11th standard.He belonged to a well to do DU educated parents and boasted of even English speaking grand parents.No wonder I was impressed.It was he who prompted me to learn the language.
    During our dates he coerced me to speak every word in English and refuse to listen to me when i gradually shifted to my mother tongue.I was tongue tied most of the times,groping for words that didn't strike,fumbling over verbs and sentence constructions.He patiently corrected my grammatical mistakes and suggested more appropriate words.He told me what the words like "shit","stand at ease","partiality" etc etc actually meant.I was actually using them without knowing their meanings at all.He corrected my too obvious pronunciation mistake.Soon i wanted to be in his league.He suggested to read the english novels ALOUD and word by word and yes in desire to impress him i followed this religiously and i still practice it sometimes.That how you know how a words roll from your mouth,sound to your ears and most important what does it mean and where it can be used.Their are so many words whose meaning you just assume and never remember them or have confidence to speak in your sentence.Sometimes i picked dictionary 25 times in a page but carried on even i have to pick it for the same word thrice.I awkwardly improved my verbal skills.
    But soon i discovered by spoken english does not contain new trendy kind of catchy words.Then i started reading interviews regularly.I practised my accent in a make believe interviews.I even learnt catchy phrases from magazines like stardust and filmfare.
  Three years later into it and was not able to understand english movies and songs.Zee studio came to my rescue.It started sub title-ing.So i got to learn difference between American and British accent too.And how they speak it.Well now when i can understand English song too i feel kind of proud.It only partially my dream.I just desperately wanted to impress Him.
 Nowadays i am still working on it's lesser known words their origin setc and etc.Even getting to know the feeling behind the words and minor subtle mistakes we do. It had been a long journey and i must say i ve come a really long way.Though i am still working on it and still feel inadequate.Everything in life is a constant decision.Whether it's relationship,learning or just living.You just don't have to be too comfortable with one self.That is precisely when you stop growing.

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Our teenage days...

  I just got a chance to see my 10th class slambook.It reminded me of those times when describing ambition was best topic to speak and 10 th boards were EXTREMeLY important.And future was all misty and mystic.We use to paint our future with lovely colours and even when adults warned that real world is different we still choosed to dive into our imaginations rather than paying heed to them.Everyone used to think we are different and acted and dreamed the same way.We were going to change the world and live life in a different way altogether.Promised were made to stay together,keep in touch and sacrifice everything for friendship.And most important Never Ever ever forget each other.Loads of reasons can be given for all those unfulfilled promises.I too hardly recall anyone names.. forget remembering incidences.That how life progresses.One thing goes and other shows up and you get too involved in new one to catch up with the later.Then one fine day you find yourself yearning for the "golden old times" and school time buddies.

    Back then LOVE was the only 4 letter word that kept everyone occupied, tarnishing each group or double discussion.It was kind of taboo, an enigma or as our elders used to describe"rush of hormones".But at that time all emotions used to feel so real,so novel-ish,so film-ish that we dismissed the notions of our elders.

  Now it all seems to be so stupid foolish to think but ya nostaligic.Everyone went to their own way.Hardly anyone kept in touch.Not with me atleast.

  I just got to see two of my friends with whom i shared tutions.We 3 rode our bicycles all over the Bijnore town.Dreamed about life beyond those gali -mohollas.The girl is in merchant navy now carrying a long distance relationship with a guy from 3 years and the guy is in Agra with a girl friend of 3 years who actually almost live in with him.Going to marry her next year.As they candidly told me details of their life I thank God i am not the only one.I wondered how similar is life of my old buddies to mine more than anybody around me.Was this just a co incidence.. some connection or result of our dreams which we desperately fulfilled i don't know.

  Sometimes you really can't understand life.It is like a geisha who'll show you something ..tease you to unravel it's mysteries ..never let you too close and leave you unsatisfied.The more you live more see..more you think and more you want to decode it...

My kitchen in hostel...

 For the whole three years i kept on looking for reasons not to estabilish a kitchen in my own room.Reason's were my not being on the same wavelenths with my room partners.I waited that some day i'll get o the ideal one.But in final year it was now or never condition.So i didn't wasted time and got myself the things.my kitchen boasts of:

1. A heater(it's a must).
2. a frying pan for maggi and boiling water.
3. One cup and 3 spoon,2 stolen from mess.
4. One tata coffee.
5. One darjeeling long leaves black tea.(My boyfriend's classy choice,"Better and healthy than ordinary tea"he says.It costs a fortune but worth it...I think..)
6. One tin of milkmaid condensed milk.(Once again on HIS insistence.But it's tasty and almost acts up like a true milk better than milk powder i say.Sorry SIR!)
7. Tiffin of sugar(i didn't got a Dibba).
8. A kissan mixed fruit jam
9. A paper cartoon in which most things are kept and it stay's right under my bed.Can be slid out to pick anything and slid back.
10. A catch masala's black pepper.I am still struggling to find it's use.   

                                    My heater regularly breakdown when it's coil melts and circuit is disturbed.But my skills to repair it are enviable.Yes ..yes i'll teach you for a fee.Did i mention once i even got it on fire by placing a newspaper underneath it.I hope this is quit forgivable..


I just love my cup.It's my first and got it dirt cheap from reliance for rs30.I really mad about the way it looks.

This is not table cloth but a curtain i doubled up.Looks nice na....

This is my  brand new but worn out heater with a almost historic pan i convinced my mom to donate. 

This is my kitchen quite small but portable and cute.

I am proud of it.
























Well that's all.You can ask for tips to maintain your own portable kitchen Ans yes i know i am being quite obnoxious but you see i ve been doing serious stuff for a while and needed a break to show off my first kitchen and first mug.Say thanks to me that i am not writing about my first coffee,first tea and first maggi.Yes Thank you..thank you now that's too much.Ya mention not..


Bye.. have fun..

Big egoes..

Right from my childhood i was gives storybooks in Hindi with a moral lesson.They always had messages such as, don't speak lie,show presence of mind,etc et.One of the most recurring message was "Do not not let ego (ahainkaar) creep into you.In all these stories ego was considered as biggest mistake even after being well learned.rich or anything.Acc to to that text as soon as a person started breeding an ego for his achievements,his end was inevitable thought few were left with message and warning.I was really amazed at the thoughtfulness shown by then "Gods" and the steps they took to correct the individuals.
   Back then i my mother told that ego is all about "me".When a person starts thinking that He is great he starts having an ego.I used to kind what kind of foolish person can even think of such thing and laugh over it.And if i tell you that we encounter ego so much in our lives too, you will laugh over it.Now let me explain.Look over following examples.

• The person serious in studies will at some point or the other ignore who doesn't studies so much,Reason:He think's he's BETTER if not down right great because he studies sincerely.
• Any bueatiful or well dressed girl in normal circumstances will not try to converse with normal human beings.And even if she does so she'll make every attempt to overpower them.Call it that she is addicted of attention but i will say the coz she enjoys more attention and she knows it that's why she's self concious.
• The one with higher cast or even non reservation one will despise an OBC,An OBC will further despice a SC or ST candidate.Despite.. of everyone knowing that it's govt of person birth place is responsible for this inequality and not any OBC or SC or ST.
• The one with brands will call other's clothes cheap and picked up from""palika bazar"
• My room partner is egoist coz she thinks that she keeps room clean and tidy and despises me for the not being that.
• A vegetarian will dislike the non-veg one.
• Slim people will hate fat one for letting themselves go and fat one will hate slim ones for being too persnickety. 

If you look at these day to day experiences you realize how much desperately we convince ourselves that we ARE better than the other one at our own decided criteria.We actually leave no miniscule insignificant and even non existent reason to rip other person in our eyes.
 Well that's how we judge ourselves and others.Read:http://myworld-mylife-myeyes.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-judge-others.html.
  Just a glimpse or consciousness of your own thoughts will show you the mirror of your ego.To be a better individual we have to prick this out of us.This will make this world a much better place.So let's take pledge to be more honest with ourselves and more modest. 

Big marriage party and more..

I recently got to attend a big usual Indian wedding in Delhi.With the usual stuff of showing off with lots of waiters,lots of unnecessary variety in dishes,heavy cutlery,mocktails etc and etc.To make it a more classy affair all aunties were dressed up in heavy sarees and loads of make up.Some were even beyond recognition.I really appreciated the difference make up makes on one looks but with a cost.Most people or ladies are not able to handle all this emotionally.They start to walk and talk with the attitude,hobnobbing anyone who is modestly dressed as if the person's value depends upon her way of dressing.They even don't want to seen with relatively poor relative no matter if he/she is close or not.They just group with made up ladies with more or less same standard.It was a big put off for me.

  According to me a wedding should be highly personal affair with celebration of mingling family with family and entwining of two lives rather than a showcase of jewelleries,sarees and services provided by bueaty parlors.The host family members should especially take care to introduce newly formed relation and make everyone feel comfortable despite of his/her looks or economic standing.To make people feel comfortable is the best quality of host but here they actually flock together chatting with such an air of self imposed vanity and importance that they succeed in making everyone feeling as outsider.And in this whole process they just forgot why other people are here for? And 

• NO! they are not to see your ostentatious,obnoxious display of wealth and 
• NO! they are not even here to know who is having an affair and who recently bought a ferrari and with black money and 
• NOT certainly to know how much your things cost.

 Sweethearts..They are actually here to give their blessings to bride and bridegroom for the new starting of their commitment and wedded life.But everyone is soooo involved in himself or herself that he forgets the REAL reason of gathering and function.

   Well i do have complains of the menfolks too.They are most of the time absent either checking out aunties or complaining about their wives or of course drinking.Drinking is sooo much important.No matter they are actually happy from the union or not or even they are good friends with the involved families or not,No one leaves the opportunity of free booze which acc to then is the "JAAN" of the party and party is incomplete without it.God knows how they smell,behave,bad mouth or even drive their families home.
 Next time please behave more sensibly and socially..

my faith on God...

I am always questioned about my faith on religion and on God whenever i refuse to accompany someone to go temple or refuse to take "prashad" or bow down before a carved stone.People so readily assume me to non believer but again get surprised with my occasional fasting or lighting diya or agarbatti.I have always been condemned for not keeping my pic of God in my room.Even my boyfriend wants to turn me into temple visiting believer.And i too tried to oblige to a certain extent.I confess that not too long ago i started the practise of visiting Shani temple each saturday and doing some rituals.It did felt better somehow but not the connection i wanted.The shop outside gave 100 ml mustard oil for Rs20 and cringed when i'd save up it for next time.He made faces when i asked for diya next time without purchasing anything.He even tried to sell my friend a small basket with flowers for Rs 50.Downright loot i say.Even inside the panditji clicked me and my pretty friends pics when we had pooja.He evn triend to touch us right inside the temple in front of "God".How come staying in front of God for soo many hour's,offering God things,lighting diya reciting prayers didn't changed his mind?
 Well my quiting reasons were not these.It's just my reasonable mind refuse to believe that God the supreme power could reside in small idols or photos.That the one who gave us everything to eat could be greedy for "Bhogs",The one who provided us everything right from clothes to house actually needed a space of his own to reside?The one who gave us prosperity could give us our wishes for greed of "chadawa".The maker of each small things likes somethings and dislike others.Why would he just create them then.Then they are soo many God s that i got really confused which on to follow.
  What i really think that all these God's were created like stories like mythology with lots of teachings,lessons for life and of course loads of creativity.And pandits at that time saw opportunity in each figure by turning it in worshippable , idolable and offerable gods.How else they ve kept their bellies well fed.I don't blame everyone there are few keeper of true knowledge but their voice grew weaker in lights of money.
  Well if i don't visit temples doesn't means that i don't believe in God.I have my faith on God who's the supreme power.Who makes this world goes around and my world too.I wake up everyday and say thanks to Him for giving me this lovely day.I consider him as a source of positive energy.I can't ask him anything cause he already knows what i want and what i deserve.If he gives me happiness i say thanks and if he gives me suffering he'll also give me power to bear up and i'll learn to live with them.
 Most of i feel is that people worship the idols we humans made to such an extent but not the idols which God made, humans and mistreat them to frequently.Service to humankind is the best form of appreciating His presence.




P.S.-Well from now please no questions about my faith..

My 2nd experience with diffferently abled person..

  I live in noida with my family living in greater noida.So i usually spend my weekends at home commuting by special yellow buses.These buses are specially for noida-greater noida route and very well maintained.They have 3 rows of two seater each reserved for women.Call it fair or unfair but i ve hardly seen any girl not utilizing this special right.Some of them even misbehave with men occupants to get their seat.
  So i boarded this yellow bus at sec37 to sector 62.It is almost 20 min ride.I as usual took the women seat and a guy was sitting next to me.Then i noticed this pretty girl of 20 to 25 years who was standing in quite crowded bus.Usually if i see any uneducated girl or newer one standing i guide her women's seat.But this girl was well dressed,calm and looked educated.It was hardly believable that she can't read or was unaware of this privilege bestowed on our sex.She wasn't looking for directions and wasn't anxious with each bus stopped.So i preassumed that she is not new.All the time i was i fix that should i ask the guy sitting next to me to get up and call her.She was so innocent looking and almost had an angel face.
  Soon i got my answer when she turned her handbag to my side.It was scibbled on it"Deaf mute volleyball association".I was so shocked.Before she got down i consulted with a guy travelling next to her in sign language.It was too late.My heart was filled with guilt.
 I still blame myself for not offering her seat and this is not out of pity.I would have taken pleasure in sharing some of her inability.I am still not able to guess what would have happened then She would have declined or accepted and then told me about herself.This would have been more uncomfortable for her i suppose.So she decided to keep herself aloof from all this and uncomplainingly stand with the crowd.

Past present future

 Well from past few days i was off to my village as we were having a family ceremony on my father's 11 death anniversary.I actually cried during his mention and a lot.I remember when he died i didn't wept.I was just normal still not analyzing what i ve lost.During 11 years of fight with the world and myself,trying to fill his gap with boyfriends who used me and other people who misunderstood me i started to really miss him.Now i ve stopped seeking him in others for the security and TLC that i desperately needed.Finally i realized that the gap is impossible to fill and i have learnt to live with it.Sometimes i find all of my complexes somehow linked with his absence.It's like something missing in life at each moment.I am still not able to talk about him without tears so i just let all the emotions buried choking up myself.It's the first time i am atleast writing about him.Though it is said that hardships make a person tougher and I agree but somewhere they also tend to make one more vulnerable and complicated.


    We had havan and bhandara and i worked really hard and served atleast 300 people.My body still aches with heavy buckets and bending forward atleast 1000 times.But it was nice experience.I got to know even i have relatives and people whom i share blood lines.I felt there is actually some chemistry between people of same blood lines.And even after living in noida for 3 years i still felt like home there.The smell of that soil just makes me go gaga and the way people talk is though very rustic and unpretentious is so nostalgic.


  I just came from dinner in my own hostel mess.I just dread the moment of going to mess and having food.Though at many times food isn't bad as i imagine but the courage to taste it is too much to ask.I skip so many meals.I rarely eat with pleasure and kind of imagine when i'll have my own home i'll make meal time something to look forward too with diverse food items and special cooking recipies.Well as my boyfriend says i'll have to be a full time homemaker so i am looking for ways to spend time then.I know it's too early but i have to convince myself that i'll be excellent at least in that thing and have a laid back life and i notice myself to looking forward to it.I am tired of being exam-ed,viva-ed,presentation-ed,socially judged,hated etc etc.Ir's not good for a girl of my age but i want to take a real break.Considering my confusions about what i actually want to with my life i'll end up where my bf wants.Can't say for good or bad. 

 Today i cleaned up my messed up room once again.And being all day in my room on sunday feels really good especially in such a spick and span room.I plan and vow to keep it like this only.
 Living in hostel has it's disadvantages.One of them which probably goes unnoticed everytime is lack of privacy.You have to eat in front of at least 50 people,sleep in front of 3 people and go to bathroom with audience of at least 10.Any time alone in room in most welcome.It feels so stupid to be in whole public view 24*7.Thank god it's last year i would ve nearly died of  high proximity to crowd.
 On serious introspection i realize i ve made more enemies in girls hostel than friends.There are few faces with whom i share a smile and fewer smiles which i really mean.And so many faces of previous aquaintances with whom i ve to pretend i don't know and play  the indifferent poker face.And more others of recent rivalry with whom i gotta exchange expressions of animity and hatred.Some were so called friends who painfully betrayed.Some were roomies who choosed to misunderstand my wayward ways instead of recognizing the good qualities.Some just got out of touch.Somehow i want all of them to realize how much they ve hurt me especially when i was always a well wisher and any wrong on my part was seriously unintentional.Someday i really want to ask how you forgot what i did and felt for you gals.I always helped them as possible thinnking someday they will realize it but they choosed not to oblize.I don't know how they carry their conscience.I am extremely particular about any little thing done for me and i try to repay it as soon as possible or the least be obliged.Well i ve suffered on account of this quality too.But the most important is to recognize who is real well wisher and don't let other people get the better of you.
 Their is none in this college to whom i want to say sorry or sort out.In fact i don't want to carry the baggage of my so called pretentious friends here.From the sea of everything college stands all i want to carry out is maturity and new lessons learnt.I need only these for my future.